Review of The Peanut Butter Solution (1985) by Kurt A — 23 May 2010

Wait, this movie is about what? A kid who has all of the hair "frightened" off of his head? So he then concocts a peanut butter solution with the help of some supernatural friends to restore his flowing locks? Crazy sauce! What's that? That's not even 50% of the weirdness in this film? Free toy inside? I can watch the Super Mario Bros. Super Show on Netflix? Gary Busey used to be less crazy? $29 or 2 for $50? A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush? Sammy Davis Jr. once danced at your elementary school? BLAH! TOO MUCH CRAZY IN MY HEAD! SOMEONE TURN OFF THE CRAZY SPIGOT! (Deep breaths) Ok, ok. I'm feeling better now.

Ah yes, The Peanut Butter Solution. A movie I've wanted to see ever since a friend of mine told me of it's existence some 5 years ago. Little did I realize just how unflappably scrumtrulescent the plot would be. If you gave me a bag full of mixed illicit substances and 9 hours in a car riding shotgun with Carlos Beltran on my way to the Kennedy Space Center where I'm slated for a six day jaunt to the International Space Station I STILL WOULD NEVER HAVE GUESSED THE PLOT OF THIS MOVIE! You might as well try to predict where the Black Fortress will appear. IT'S IMPOSSIBLE! Even if you did find it you'd need fire mares to even reach it!

What am I trying to say? THIS MOVIE IS INCREDIBLE. It's like someone stole awesome from the most interesting man in the world while he was drinking Dos Equis and turned it into a movie. Why am I convinced of this? It has Colonel Saul Tigh (Michael Hogan II) from Battlestar Galactica as Billy, an expressionist painter and father of the Michael the protagonist. It also features the first songs even recorded by Céline Dion in English! Throw in a hilarious kid who loves grapes and doesn't give a damn about the abduction of his sister and you end up with an epic convergence of allegory storytelling so unique that it simply has no equal.

Here are some of my favorite quotes from The Peanut Butter Solution.

Connie - "I'm just hav'n some of these delicious grapes if that's ok with you.".

The Dr. - "Great balls of fire. There's not a whisker left!".

Michael Hogan - "I've heard pregnant women get a craving for earth sometimes.".

Here are some things that I learned from watching this movie.

1. Writer / director Michael Rubbo is the man.

2. Cats can cause hair loss.

3. BE VERY CAREFUL WHERE YOU APPLY MAGIC HAIR GROWTH SOLUTIONS!

4. If you want to track someone you should stowaway in the back of their vehicle and pour sugar out a funnel until they reach their destination.

5. Having long hair means you can't attend school.

6. There is such a thing as an invisible string detector.

7. French art teachers can be both amazingly, and creatively demented.

8. If you ever go bald don't wear a wig to your soccer game.

9. There is such a thing as being a Chia people.

10. Ghosts only make noise when you're looking at them.

Would I recommend watching this movie? Undoubtedly, in a moment, without any hesitation.