Review of The Nun (2018) by Johan H — 13 Sep 2018

The Nun is only scary if you consider a person who tickles you to be funny. In lieu of being clever, a tickler is simply taking advantage of an inherent, physiological reaction a person can have to be lightly touched or prodded. This is the comparable issue of horror film's only using unexpected jumps to startle people. It's not based in earned storytelling or genuine creativity, but in cheaply assumed natural human response, that when we're surprised, we jump. The Nun is a childish power-trip of a movie, the equivalent of a middle-schooler self-pleasingly flashing their hand in your face and declaring, "Haha! You flinched!".

The latest and absolute worst entry in the Conjuring-iverse, The Nun takes place in 1950s Romania, where the Vatican has sent a specialized priest to investigate a cloistered abbey, that's being terrorized by a demonic force who's taken the form of a nun. Why the demon looks like a nun is preposterously explained, though why her growl is just a straight-up lion's roar is not; we can only assume the sound department just couldn't be bothered with trying. And why would they? Other than some mildly-good-looking imagery and one decent (though tonally awkward) character in a Romanian agnostic, clearly no one could be bother with trying.

Look, if you've ever seen a single horror movie in your lifetime, or even just one of those "Home Improvement" Halloween specials, then not one thing will legitimately shock you here. Every turn of the camera, every dark corner of the screen will yield exactly what you expect.

There have been plenty of great horror films this year (Quiet Place, Hereditary); don't waste your time with The Nun.