Review of The Northman (2022) by Xxg — 21 Jul 2022

We’d been looking forward to seeing this movie based on critics’ opinions, but oh, what a profound disappointment. Apparently, it’s easy to pull the wool over the eyes of ‘professional’ critics – all you have to do is incorporate a tiny notion from Shakespeare and a name that sounds like Hamlet – and away you go! Put together a mockery of a movie and no-one will dare criticize it.

Within minutes, you will be pulled into an ambiance of unrelenting darkness and evil, without a glimmer of hope, humor or light. You will be subjected to 2 hrs and 17 mins of base barbarism, hatred, hacking, disembowelment, bloody gore, cheap poetry, cheap hackneyed sex scenes and a singular, boring, predictable plot line about characters you could not care less about. A conglomeration of ideas stolen from other creative minds (Shakespeare, Tolkien) it has none of the purpose or significance of an engaging story. The critics applaud it as “casting a light on our time”. Well, if senseless, demonic loathing is what you want to be subjected to in your free time – go ahead, watch it & eat your heart out (literally).

In the end (when it mercifully comes), are we supposed to feel empathy for the protagonist? Or his two ugly progenies? A man who shoved women and children into a barn and burned them alive without remorse? Please – give me a break! The only joy will be when you run out of the room, fix yourself a drink and look forward to never, ever watching anything from the creators of this utter waste of your precious 2 & a bit hours.