Review of The Ninja Mission (1984) by Juuso L — 23 Aug 2009

Awful in a funny way. Even so, it taught me a number of valuable lessons:

1. All it takes to be a ninja is a ski mask, a sword, and a propensity to roll at every opportunity. You can use guns too if you want.

2. The major players in the Cold War were the United States, Russia, and Sweden.

3. Silenced pistols sound like a Casio keyboard.

4. Beards are the most important component of a movie about ninjas. The beard-to-ninja ratio in this movie is 76:1; in fact, some of the ninjas even have beards.

5. There is only one helicopter in the entirety of Sweden.

6. No amount of lingerie or nudity can make Hanna Pola sexually attractive.

7. Blood squibs are ten times cooler on the head than on the chest.

8. Everyone within a fifty-mile radius of a Mats Helge movie will die.

9. The Geneva Conventions don't apply when dealing with communists. Keep your eyes peeled for what I can only guess is mustard gas, as well as a gun that makes people's organs explode!

10. I'd just like to reiterate that this movie has a gun that makes people's organs explode. For a ninja, bullets are inadequate.

Thank you, Mats Helge. You have shown me how to be a man. You are like the Buddha, and this film is your badly-dubbed Eightfold Path. I will forever cherish the wisdom imparted to me by The Beard Mission.