Review of The Nines (2007) by Chads. — 11 Feb 2008

"If man is five/then the devil is six/and if the devil is six/then god is seven," is how the elegant universe worked according to Black Francis, former lead singer of The Pixies, back in 1988 when "alternative" music was still "college" music(in comparison, Limp Bizkit is more like community college rawk) and Buddhists didn't have to share their nirvana with moshers in flannel.

Earlier in "Monkey Goes to Heaven"(from the album "Doolittle"), Francis talk-sings, "There was an underwater God who controlled the sea," which sounds a lot like Gary/Gavin/Gabriel(Ryan Reynolds), a digital avatar who controls our world, a world in which, man is seven, koala bear is eight, video game-programmer is nine, and god is ten.

A better title for "The Nines"; how about "What the #$*! Does John August Know?" According to this "college" film("The Nines" was made for "smart" people; there's a pointed dig at video-game cultists, in a scene where Melissa McCarthy(playing herself) has to overdub some extra dialogue for Gary's pilot), our reality is a simulation program created by some video-game programmer from four-thousands years in the future.

If Christians want to count themselves as smart people, they should boycott "The Nines", which is four-thousand times more offensive than Kevin Smith's "Dogma". Smith, at least, acknowledges that there is a God.

If "The Nines" is six, then "The Jacket" is seven, and if "The Jacket is seven", "The Matrix" is eight", and if "The Matrix" is eight, then "Primer" is nine, and if "Primer" is nine, then "Existenz" is ten.

"...is ten! This movie about string theory has gone to heaven/this movie about string theory has gone to heaven...