Review of The Mummy (2017) by Justin C — 06 Jun 2017

***SPOILER ALERTS*** It is so disappointing to see just how bad movies have become. It's like Hollywood just tries to take their biggest stars, their biggest franchises, and their most expensive CGI, and throw it in a blender, and out will come a masterpiece.

Instead what you end up getting is a vomit smelling mess that is repugnant to watch, and easily forgettable. Such is the latest installment of The Mummy. Now I am not a professional reviewer, mind you.

So please bear with me while we dissect this really bad movie and figure out where it went wrong. The plot, (if you can call it that) is that Nick Morton, (Tom Cruise) has a one night stand with a chick named Jenny Halsey (Annabelle Wallis) and steals her map to some archaeological site in Saudi Arabia where Ahmanet (Sophia Boutella) was mummified for killing her family to try to take power in ancient Egypt.

(snooze) So Tom Cruise and his comic relief pal, the guy from New Girl (Jake Johnson) cause an airstrike to reveal the burial site, and before you know it, the Mummy gets out and is trying to make Tom Cruise her king (and become immortal) by stabbing him with a ceremonial dagger that requires a special jewel in it.

Tom's buddy gets killed, and rather than die gracefully, he keeps reappearing to Tom in a ghost form, and not in a scary way like in American Werewolf in London. More comical, like Slimer from Ghostbusters, except not as funny.

It is one of the most annoying things about this movie. You're trying to take the thing seriously, and Tom Cruise almost gets crushed by a bus, and this dipshit ghost comes up and goes "That was cool! Ok, let's go!" But if you think this movie couldn't get any stupider oh dear reader, you would be wrong.

So then they meet up with....drumroll....Dr. Jeckell, (Russell Crowe) Yes. Dr. freaking Jeckell. And as they are walking through Dr. Jeckell's museum/monster containment facility, you can see various references to other monster movies in jars, like the Creature from the Black Lagoon's arm, and Dracula's skull.

So you're thinking at this point, is Dr. Jeckell going to turn into Mr. Hyde and fight the Mummy? Well, yes, and no. He turns into Mr. Hyde, but instead of fighting the antagonist in the film, he has an epic battle with Tom Cruise to prevent Tom from leaving an office, which he ends up doing in rather short order.

And that's the last we see of Mr. Hyde the rest of the film. So we get to the end of the film, and the love interest gets drown by the Mummy, and Tom Cruise is fighting Ahmanet, trying to prevent her from stabbing him with the dagger.

Ahmanet gets Tom in her grasp, and rather than stabbing him, tries to talk him into giving in, (which makes little sense, since she is really just trying to resurrect another entity into his body anyway.

) Despite the fact that she has superhuman strength, Tom manages to get the dagger out of her hand. He slams the jewel into the ground in an attempt to destroy Ahmanet's ability to use the dagger, but before it is destroyed completely, Ahmanet pleads with him to give her the dagger, because he will have power over death.

He looks over at Jenny, and reasons that if he can have power over death, he can save her, so he stabs himself. He ends up killing Ahmanet, and bringing the girl back to life, but he does indeed change, and into what is the real question, because he takes on a more sinister appearance, like the Mummy herself.

He tells Jenny to keep away from him because he doesn't want to hurt her. REALLY? He has power over death, brings this chick back to life, and he doesn't want to hurt her? Perhaps he was just acting distant after having sex with her in a one night stand and stealing her map because he isn't ready for commitment.

So he leaves, and this is the most cringeworthy part. He brings his comedy relief pal back to life, (like he even needed to do that. This asshole was on him like stink on a dogturd the entire movie.) The comedy relief, not at all grateful that he was dead and is now alive, whines about following Tom on yet another adventure.

They ride off into the sunset in a sandy desert, with a giant sandstorm in their wake. I give this movie two stars because it really was a bad movie. I just don't know why they had to add the Jeckell and Hyde thing, and the stupid, stupid ghost friend thing.

The actual Mummy was a decent idea (even though the events leading up to her mummification were anything but original) but they just ruined it with everything else. I think Hollywood has long since passed its golden age, and good movies are going to be really hard to find.

This one should have stayed in the sarcophagus.