Review of The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones (2013) by Steamcausedthis — 20 Aug 2013

So I'm going to try and write a review that doesn't contain a plethora of grammar mistakes that make me look like I'm from a third world country and actually discuss why this movie garnered a whopping 2 out of 10.

Having never read the books nor having a desire to watch this film, I have never witnessed such a piece of cinematic debauchery within this current decade. Knowing that this film is geared towards younger audiences and knowing that the film contains more drama than there would be action I prepared myself for something that would put me to sleep, and boy was I wrong. This film did its absolute best in filling me with nothing but plot devices and special snowflake syndrome to make me hurl my bunches of crunch at the screen. The only moment in this film that I thought any character on screen had any sense of rationalism was when Simon declared the relationship between Clary and Jace ludicrous on the immediate attachment by Rico Suave not 72 hours after meeting one another.

I didn't care that there were vampires or werewolves or anything of the like, what disappointed me was for the underline title of City of Bones, I saw next to nothing relevant to this title other than the brotherhood of eyeless mutes who had a screen time of 3 minutes. If screen time for the celibate skeletons weren't enough than the short-bus of werewolves coming to save the day was even worse as they serve as nothing more than cannon fodder to be quickly picked off and leave only a main side character as the only survivor. Lets not forget the Heroic Sacrifice? of Hodge going toe to toe with thing #1 and then needlessly sacrificing himself to the birds as a way to make up for having aligned himself with evil and causing all this to happen in the first place.

Now the fighting aside from the endless vampire horde was actually pretty interesting all things considering, I even found myself cheering on Simon as he hit Ms Cleo upside the head with a shovel, but it wasn't enough to save this film from the obvious heartache of having to condense a novel of this size into a bite size 2 hour film.