Review of The Monster Squad (1987) by Scott S — 14 Nov 2010

In the past I've looked at films that have achieved a certain amount of nostalgic worship over the years. Some of these films deserve their pop culture pedestal perspective and some don't. To me, it's inexplicable why "The Monster Squad" is regarded with as much retro love as it gets.

To me, it's nothing more than a crude pastiche of "The Goonies", "Lost Boys", and the Universal Monster Movies, with a little dash of "Stand By Me's" irreverence thrown in for good measure.

Andre Gower plays Sean, a pushy, obnoxious twelve year old who, along with his interchangeable cronies, fancy themselves monster enthusiasts. Headquartered in a treehouse that looks like it was built by a team of civil engineers, Sean holds court over a checklist of Our Gang stereotypes: wise-ass Patrick (Robby Kiger), Fat Kid (literally!) Horace (Brent Chalem), chain-smoking (!) bad-ass Rudy (Ryan Lambert), shy Eugene (Michael Faustino) and Phoebe (Ashley Bank), Sean's precocious little sister.

This pack of underwritten creeps hone their creature killing trivia while verbally abusing one another like Gordie, Chris, Teddy and Vern from "Stand By Me". In a convenience only a brain-dead script could provide, Dracula himself (Duncan Ragehr) conspires with his pals the Wolfman (Carl Thibault), Frankenstein's Monster (Tom Noonan), the Mummy (Michael MacKay) and the Gill-Man (Tom Woodruff Jr) to destroy a macguffin in the form of an amulet, which is comprised of "pure good".

Naturally, only once every one-hundred years the amulet becomes vulnerable to destruction and if the monsters do so, it'll result in something...well, something BAD'll happen, alright? Oh, and did I mention that this precious talisman just so happens to be sitting in the basement of a spooky house in town? I kinda had some hope going into this since I liked Fred Dekker's more consistent flick "Night of the Creeps", the effects were provided by Stan Winston and Richard Edlund and the screenplay was drawn up by Shane Black of "Lethal Weapon" fame.

But when it comes right down to it, "The Monster Squad" feels like the product of market research, like a checklist for a test screening. People like monsters, shoot, let's cram four or 'em in here! Oooo! Oooo! People liked the kids in "The Goonies", so let's pack this flick with second stringers! Folks dug the foul-mouthed dialogue in "Stand By Me" a year ago, so let's have the brats use words like shit, faggot and tits just for novelty value! Audiences also dig montages set to music like in "Lost Boys" so let's make sure we have one of those! Honestly it's no surprise to me that this film sunk into oblivion when it was first released.

After all it had no clear audience: it was way too goofy and childish for adults and too violent and profane for the hypothetical target audience (i.e. kids that were the same age as the characters). The only reason it's popular now is because, for a generation of young adults, this might have been one of the first films they saw with impalings, gory bits and copious use of the word "nards".

Honestly, this film's biggest transgression is simply in it's shamefully lazy screenwriting. Can anyone think of a good reason as to why Dracula (as Alucard...wow, THAT'S never been done before) conveniently calls Sean's house and leaves a message for him other than to tip the kid off that there's a legendary vampire on the loose? Also, why would an older cool kid like Rudy ever want to hand around with these whiny losers? The only reason I'm rating it as high as I am is because some of the special effects are pretty decent.

The Mummy and the Gil-Man are well realized, but that's pretty much where my praise ends. The werewolf design is terrible. He looks like one of the Ghoulies after a steroid bender. Tom Noonan, so memorable as the killer in "Manhunter" gives a nuanced performance as Frankenstein's Monster, but here he's buried under a terrible makeup that makes you pine for Boris Karloff's from fifty years ago! To make things even worse, Duncan Regehr was a terrible Dracula.

Despite the fact that he strangles little Phoebe and calls her a bitch, he's about as menacing as your average insurance salesman. Then, to add insult to injury, the film has the audacity to tack on a truly dreadful "Monster Squad" rap theme song over the end credits.

Honestly, this is pretty miserable failure: a kid's film I'd never watch again and one I'd actually feel guilty showing to a kid. Tilt: down.