Review of The Magnificent Seven (2016) by Spangle — 13 Oct 2016

The Magnificently Boring Seven is, well, boring. Predictable to its core, director Antoine Fuqua tries to valiantly cram every action cliche into a single film and the end result is a cliche film. Job well done, good sir. I never really ever rated Fuqua as a director. Training Day is a one off hit. Otherwise, he just directs safe, Hollywood, and bland action movies. This film is no exception with its problems only exacerbated by an iffy cast. Before I speak further on the film, I should first confess a major sin. As God is a major part of this film, I feel as though it is still pertinent. I...I...I have never seen Seven Samurai or the original The Magnificent Seven. I know. I would not like me either. Anyways, pressing on...

The film's predictability comes from the very first shot. Throughout, the film is not just predictable because it is a remake (recall how I have never seen the originals), but also because you can sit there and just guess where each scene is going. What is worse is that the lazy writing carries onto the characters with skin deep character development at best. This development does not help to actually differentiate characters in the least. I honestly kept forgetting their names and mixing up who they are throughout the film. I knew that Red Harvest was the Native American, but I mean, that is because his name is Red Harvest. Hard to think that Denzel would be Red Harvest (I guess I should not say that, since Johnny Depp was Tonto...). Even worse from a character development standpoint is Emma Cullen (Haley Bennett). Okay, low-rent Jennifer Lawrence cannot act. She is not horrible, but I have yet to see any reason to cast her other than her resemblance to Lawrence. Yet, here, she plays a character that could have been a strong female character. Instead, her role disintegrates into being nothing more than a sexual object for us to ogle at thanks to frequent low-cut costumes and constant jokes about having sex with her and how she is pretty. The film can barely go 10 minutes without reminding us Emma's real role in the film: to be sexualized and objectified. How could I ever dream of forgetting such a key element of the film? Emma's role, in spite of the conclusion, continues to marginalized as she can never do anything for herself. Instead, she finds herself in the midst of gunfights and failing to defend herself. Rather, a man must come to her aid at every turn. What a missed opportunity here.

Yet, as mentioned, Bennett is nothing to write home about in the acting department. The rest of the cast is equally mediocre. Denzel and Ethan Hawke are fine. Not career-best work by either, but they are okay. Chris Pratt has nothing charisma and abs going in his favor. As an actor, he is the definition of safe and bleh. That said, Byung-hun Lee and Martin Sensmeier were the real standouts. If the film was just Billy Rocks (Lee) stabbing people and throwing knives at them with Red Harvest (Sensmeier) sniping them with arrows, I would be a satisfied customer. Instead, they are bit players at best. Manuel Garcia-Rulfo is fine, though the butt of numerous offensive Mexican jokes, which further highlights the lazy writing. Finally, Vincent D'Onofrio was abysmal. It is like he had a frog caught in his throat and had to fight against said frog with all his might to utter a single line. Please spare me.

As for the action, it is well done. The most entertaining part for sure. Yet, the in-between moments are so non-descript, slow, and shallow, it is hard to be entertained by the action. Instead, you are more-or-less relieved that film decided to try and do something again. I am a big fan of westerns (though I need to see more) and would love for a revival to happen. This film is not that revival. Instead, it just tediously moves along until Fuqua decides to let us get back to the good bits again with Denzel capping dudes left and right with his team by his side. In saying this, however, the action sequences are far too long and equally predictable, pulling out every cliche in the book (especially Pratt at the end, as well as the ending with Bennett).

The sole positive that elevates this film to being just mediocre is the cinematography and scenery. I love gawdy shots of the country side with the sun setting. The Magnificent Seven has them in spades. Yet, the film does not stop there with beautiful long shots of cowboys riding in the distance and silhouetted cowboys against the sun in the background. The end result is truly gorgeous imagery. The peak of this imagery comes at the end of the film, however, particularly a shot of Denzel silhouetted against the bright sun to his left (in the image) as he walks out of a building. Another highlight coming shortly after that with Denzel and Bennett in the church with the light pouring in through the windows. Big pluses, really.

As a whole, The Magnificent Seven is just really, really boring. Like, I am not a huge action guy, but damn. Nobody seems to have fun.