Review of The Lost World: Jurassic Park (1997) by Aidan C — 03 Nov 2015

What the fuck was Spielberg thinking? I'm forced to assume that reading this screenplay must have been less depressing than seeing it performed. Where to begin...

It took fewer than ten minutes of The Lost World for me to understand it was going to be a tough film session. Not only is the writing rushed and clumsy but all the great talents involved seem to have forgotten how to perform. Spielberg's cuts are often awkward and cheesy while traditionally strong actors (Goldblum, Vaughn, Moore) appear disinterested and flat. The best acting display is turned out by young Vanessa Lee Chester playing the daughter of Ian Malcolm while simultaneously fulfilling the celluloid diversity quota.

Forgive me for providing spoilers but guess what, there's another island full of dinosaurs. Big surprise. The brilliant John Hammond had a "site B" for his genetic marvels and decides it's a pretty good idea to send another group of scientists in. It should be immediately clear that both John Hammond and screenwriter David Koepp are hopeless shmucks. At least they got paid.

The Lost World is the worst type of adventure movie, a weak story thrown together only for the purpose of linking one action sequence to another. It's an attempt to answer the question, "How many crowd-pleasing CGI and stunt scenes can we fit into one film?". As it turns out, a whole lot, but they are without joy. The characters must behave like morons and continuously walk into harm's way to keep that cycle unbroken. This film is only about three steps removed from being Abbott & Costello Meet Frankenstein.

I advise anyone reading this to immediately draft a letter to the Surgeon General. Demand that all copies of The Lost World display a garish disclaimer on the box: Consumption may induce intellectual indigestion.

The question then becomes, Rolaids or Tums?