Review of The Lost Boys (1987) by Bitter E — 27 Dec 2010

I don't know if I can really talk about this movie without touching on some of my unresolved issues with the 1980s. Has there ever been a decade more unilaterally reflected upon with looks of confusion and regret? If all the decades of the 20th century were personified by their stereotypical high school equivalents and shoved into one room then the 40s would be socking the 80s' in the gut and ripping up his "Magic the Gathering" cards while the 30s sliced up his own legs to his favorite Lincoln Park album as the 60s knocked up the 20s. It was just a weird, weird era that nobody understands and nobody wants to. Cell phones were the size of your head, hairstyles were about as creative and sensible as the fashion, cocaine replaced money as the national currency, and the music was utterly laughable (I don't know when synthesizers were first invented, but I'm guessing Dec. 31, 1979). Then there were the films. Actually, the films weren't that bad overall-even if they did have the stink of cocaine and synthesized drumbeats all over them-especially in comparison to modern day blockbusters.

I guess that's an appropriate enough transition to talk about Lost Boys or, as I like to call it, the Twilight of the 80s. It's an obvious comparison, though; in both cases we've got semi-effeminate vampires concealing their blood-sucking status in a modern society with a plot revolving around a teenage love story. The major discrepancy is that Twilight is significantly gayer than Lost Boys-only Twilight could out-gay a movie featuring a shirtless, muscle-clad Tim Capello playing some bad 80s saxophone. Yet Lost Boys was huge before Stephenie Meyer had written her first poorly crafted sentence and is probably the first modern reimagining of this literal cult classic. It essentially summed everything that had occurred before and established everything that would follow in this genre.

Why was this film so popular? Well it was like a perfect storm of popular 80s' trends-for better and worse. Here we have a gang of Goonie-esque teenagers in LA gear fighting off vampires Red Dawn style based on information gleaned from crappy comic books and, for the first time ever, we have not one but both Coreys. Even Kiefer Sutherland and that dude from Bill and Ted are in this movie, and did I mention the bad 80s sax? This is like Stand by Me with vampires. Making it somehow worse is that the whole film is directed by Joel Schumacher-that douche who went on to create Batman Forever and Batman and Robin which effectively killed off the Batman franchise until it had evaporated from the public conscience. I'm going to go ahead and say that if you didn't grow up in the 80s-or develop a clandestine passion for sideways ponytails and Alf-a lot of this movie is going to seem archaic to you.

A couple of teenage Arizonan brothers, Michael (Jason Patric) and Sam (Corey Haim), move out to Santa Carla with their mother to start a new life. After some awkwardness with grandpa (we've all been there), each family member goes their separate ways: the mother starts hooking up with a lifeless prat, Michael tries to hook up with his obligatory love interest named Star (Jami Gertz), and Sam-pissed that he won't be getting laid in this movie-becomes involved with some comic book nerds, one of whom is his eagerly awaited Corey brethren. Through Star, Michael meets David (Sutherland) and the two decide to compare dick sizes before making up at a slumber party complete with blood drinking and Ouija board predictions. Under the watchful eyes of their dark lord and master, Jim Morrison, Michael becomes a half-vampire (???) meaning it's up to Sam and his obnoxious friends to kill the Head-Vampire (???) and return Michael to his human form.

Vampire hierarchy and miscegenation aside, this film is frequently booked into the "horror" genre, which I find about as believable as that time my Pee-Wee soccer coach told me he was a certified doctor and pulled out his tongue-depressor. This isn't a horror film, it's a teen comedy gussied up in black leather and yellow contact lenses. The whole "Corey Haim: Vampire Hunter" subplot is about as engaging and frightening as one of those direct-to-DVD Olsen twins adventures. O knowz-a black kite smacked into the stuffy dude with glasses, I need to change my pants!

To be fair, I actually kind of like half of this movie-the half that focuses on Michael. Even when he and Star randomly decide to have sex in the Bat-Cave, I find their story infinitely more intriguing than whatever Sam could whipping up with his dated 80s catch phrases. A good example of this is when Michael and Star return home via vampire powers, freaking Sam out and causing him to dive under his covers while shrieking at the top of his lungs. Can't they just beat him with baseball bats until he's reduced to a bloody pulp while he's under there? His comic book friends aren't much more endearing either. I think there's a guidebook to bad children's comedies out there that mass murdering antagonists have to be driven off in the final act by kids using water guns filled with holy water and Home Alone style traps.

I do find this movie surprisingly appealing, however. I think the twist about the Head-Vampire and the final line from the grandfather are both gold feathers in an otherwise bland 80s comedy. This is probably blasphemy to all the Corey fans (if such a thing still exists) but if the story had sacrificed all the corny Sam chunks for the more engaging struggle of Michael and the vampire clan, I'd be all about it. While I'm making impossible demands, if we can retroactively redub all the shitty synthesizer-laced 80s soundtracks with the screams of children watching their first beloved pet die before their eyes, let's do that too. At least that'll kind of fit the mood of the movie.