Review of The Lone Ranger (2013) by Shane M — 29 Jun 2014

Rewriting movie reviews, and I think it's good to start off with a recent movie, but unfortunately, one of 2013's worst blockbusters (not exactly a blockbuster as it bombed horribly upon release).

The movie follows John Reid, a lawyer who goes back to Texas, and becomes a Texas Ranger. Reid, his brother John, and a local team of Rangers go to the canyons to hunt down Butch Cavendish and his gang, only to be ambushed by them, killing all of them except John, who witnesses Butch cut out and eat his heart, and falls unconscious.

The next day, he finds an Native named Tonto and a white horse named Silver, who form a team to take down Bufch, but John wears a black mask to cover up his identity, and set out to find justice. And that all happens in almost an hour, (what the ****?), and the whole thing is 2 and a half hours (WTF?!?!?!?!).

This movie was a pointless project from the beginning, as it's Pirates of the Caribbean, but in Western form, and the original script by Ted Elliot and Terry Rossio was rumored to have had a plot element involving werewolves (denied by Rossio).

But the worst problem of them all was the production and budget issues, which led to a premature cancellation. The issue was resolved, but left the film with a $250 million budget, and an additional $150 million marketing budget (it's a Western, which are hard sells today, even with good recent Westerns such as True Grit, 3:10 to Yuma, and a modern Western, as well as one of the best movies of the 2000s, No Country for Old Men).

The result was a massive critical and commercial failure that risked damaging Disney big-time financially. Now, let's get to the actual film. The movie is way too long, and relies on star power and action rather than telling an interesting story.

The movie is also way too violent for a Disney film (more of a Touchstone film), and is way too disrespectful to the title character. The character develops into a person who kills for justice rather than take them into custody for the government to handle, and makes him look like a joke.

The film also tries to be funny, but overall feels forced and barely funny (PotC anyone?). Also, the people involved don't even try to make this somewhat decent. Justin Haythe, Ted Elliot, and Terry Rossio are unable to highlight the character's personality, use real dialogue in certain scenes, or tell a story without relying on elements we have seen in older, better revenge movies.

Gore Verbinski can't get anything convincing out of his cast, but does do well with the environments, which are made better with Industrial Light and Magic's visuals effects, which resulted in an Oscar nod for Best Visual Effects (rightfully losing to Gravity).

The cast is also worthless, even A-lister Johnny Depp, who received his first Razzie nod for portraying Tonto the way he portrays Captain Jack Sparrow (received an Oscar nod, and that's all I can say).

Armie Hammer overall portrays The Lone Ranger as a wuss. William Fichtner potrays Butch Cavendish like other ruthless killers, but this time failing to convince audiences. Hans Zimmer does alright with the score, but turns the fast paced William Tell Overture into a slow mess in order to completely follow the only reddeeming factor excluding the visuals and makeup (which also received an Oscar nod), the final train fight.

The fight is funny, parodical, and full of action and entertainment. But everything is awful, and they also mess up the trademark catchphrase, "High Ho Silver, Away!". Never see the movie as you won't sit through the entire thing, and is an expensive waste of time.