Review of The Legend of Hercules (2014) by Diogomendes — 30 Dec 2014

Wow... I'm so f*cking outraged right now. I have a new contender for the worst movie of the year, and it's The Legend of F*cking Hercules. Although "Transformers: Age of Exinction" gets an honorable mention, this one really takes the cake. Let me start by saying that Hercules himself is portrayed by a guy who doesn't know how to act and doesn't look handsome, at all. Seriously, he looks ugly. There's one scene where his love interest is dying and instead of... well, you know... performing, he just says a bundle of words and in the next scene, his girlfriend (I think) is suddenly ALIVE! HOW? HOW DID SHE GET BETTER? WHAT HAPPENED? DIDN'T SHE GET STABBED IN HER LEFT SHOULDER?????? AHHH WHATEVER!!!

It's one problem that this movie has: The pacing. Holy sh*t, the pacing is f*cking horrendous. We jump from one scene to another without substance, feeling more like a marathon than a movie. The plot is convoluted at times, in fact, so convoluted that occasionally you don't know what the characters are talking about. Seriously, along with the bad pacing, we still have banal conversations between underdeveloped characters that are portrayed by untalented people, resulting in a dull movie that is 1 and a half hours (hey, at least, it's not as long as Transformers 4!).

The action and the effects are reprehensibly bad. One thing I notice in the action sequences is that the director decided to put slow-motion in every single one of them, and I ask: What was the point? Why do you need to put slow-motion in your fight scenes? Hmm? For 3D? But, I'm watching this movie in my house, and I don't have 3D, so the fights don't come as exciting (because they are not). They come as moronic. Hey, I'm not gonna lie, I laughed at some parts. When the movie is not relying on unnecessary slow-motion, they resort to misguidedly choreographed battles. They are barely enthusiastic, if you ask me. It's a pity, because with all the swords, shields and equipment this movie had, it could've been a lot better. Like, A LOT.

The cast looks bored. Kellan Lutz makes a terrible Hercules. I bet that Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson will make a better Hercules than him, and I haven't seen that movie yet! Luckily, for Lutz, he can't be blamed for torpedoing the project, as everything in this film is sub-par and so bland. The actress who plays the love interest of Lutz's character is just a bad actress. Hey, you girl, hear me out: Your bad performance in this hellish film was noticed by me! I saw how your character died, AND THAT WASN'T EVEN BELIEVABLE IN THE SLIGHTEST! URGH!

Final Score to The Legend of Hercules: 0/10. Overall, avoid this clusterf*ck of a movie boasting a lackluster plot, generic characters, horrible pacing, uninspiring acting and laughably unexciting battle scenes. GOD, THIS MOVIE IS WORSE THAN TRANSFORMERS AGE OF EXTINCTION AND THAT'S SAYING SOMETHING BECAUSE THAT MOVIE WAS A FLAMING PILE OF SH*T. PLEASE, EVERYONE INVOLVED IN THIS STUPID MOVIE, GROW SOME F*CKING BRAIN CELLS!!

Uff, Christ...