Review of The Last Witch Hunter (2015) by Cory T — 20 Oct 2015

Vin Diesel's vain attempt to spearhead another franchise, The Last Witch Hunter is both highly predictable and borderline indecipherable. When Kaulder (Diesel) is "cursed" with immortality, want to guess whether he will incur the wrath of the witch Queen's resurrection? By the way, the eternal existence of Kaulder is glamorized with him glibly having sex with stewardesses and driving a pristine Aston Martin.

Why is it such a burden? With sword impalements and plagues of bees descending on people, this dunderheaded movie practically bellowed to be an R rating. However, it is saddled with a mostly bloodless PG-13 rating, unintelligible camerawork during the battle scenes and some of the worst big-budget effects since I Am Legend (the tendrils and a gargantuan prison sentinel are particularly ugly).

Ancient runes causing weather variations, mind-altering bugs in baked goods and pitifully foreboding dialogue from automaton Diesel (who is on autopilot), Breck Eisner doesn't carouse in the inherent helter-skelter in the premise.

At one point, a henchman correctly jests to the anti-witch counsel "You look like a terrible band from the 80's" and more flippant candor like this would've alleviated the formulaic drive of the film.

The film doesn't outwardly establish the rules of witchcraft and therefore, since any arbitrary spell can be cast or revoked (and out of contrived plot circumstance, Chloe (Rose Leslie) is a "dream walker" and can also freely manipulate people's memories), the audience's patience wans considerably.

The overall tempo of the film is a 'Constantine'-esque tutorial into the macrocosm of "dark magic" without the brilliant effects, jaded film-noir cynicism and droll charisma of Keanu Reeves.