Review of The Last Stand (2013) by Pup C — 01 Feb 2014

I can let Peter Stormare's horrible attempt at a Southern drawl slide. Maybe his character had a lisp to go with a set of ill-fitting false teeth and a defective tube of super poligrip. It happens.

I can ever let slide the fact that Arnie's accent in a small Texas border town makes him seem like he's from another planet. After all, its Arnie! That's really all one can say about this.

But what I found to be truly unforgivable and completely unbelievable was the idea of a custom Corvette show car turned into a barely street legle race car with "1000 horsepower" rocketing down the road at just a few ticks shy of the 200 mph mark on the speedometer FOR HOURS AND HOURS, from some time the previous night to almost noon the next day. NONSTOP.

Note to movie producer: that kind of car would pass everything but a gas station. And, given how far apart those little towns out on the Tex-Mex border are, it might not even make it from one gas station to the next unless the road is flat and level and the driver can coast in to the next station's fuel pumps after the cars runs out of gas. And he better have a little help from a tailwind, at that. So unless the writer and producer are a couple of freaks whose only means of transportation is a skateboard, bicycle, or a public bus, they should have known this.

In no part of the movie did I see the villain pull in for a tank of gas. Or stop off on the side of the road at a pre-designated area along his escape route where he would find a cache of fuel waiting for him. And unless this guy had a stash of sandwiches in the glovebox, he doesn't seem to need to eat or drink, either. Driving that long, that fast? With no munchies and nothing to wash it down? Along with no re-fueling?

And then there's the fact that he doesn't seem to have any body functions whatsover. All that time on the road and not even a whizz-break? Granted, the pee-pee break scenes in modern movies are far too common. But in this case, I think it'd be warranted because who in their right mind is gonna hang it out of the window at 200 mph? The windburn alone would be bad enough. But imagine if a pebble, or even a fly, had a collision with your little buddy at 200 mph! Traumatic would be precisely the word to describe the event.

So let me suggest that when the extended cut of this flick comes out, or if/when it is remade, that somebody remebers to throw in a pit-stop for the car AND the driver at key points in the movie. If you can't do that, then at least give him a bag of burritos and six pack of Fanta, and then have him pull over and back his arse up to the gas tank and fart in it a couple of times. THAT would be more believable than a day on the road at 200 mph without any refueling of the car and driver, and a quick waddle behind the nearest sombrero cactus - mind the quills!

Oh. And one more thing. Forrest Whitaker's character came across as a ponce, and not as a cool and collected leading FBI Agent. That didn't score any points with me, either.