Review of The Last American Virgin (1982) by Ron W — 05 Aug 2009

Two films. Released a month apart from each other. Fast Times at Ridgemont High and The Last American Virgin. To say they're similar is to put it lightly. Teen comedies set in high schools, yes, that's a pretty loose premise.

But then there's the wimpy protagonist with a smooth best friend who ends up being the interest of the protagonists crush. Then the sex. Then the pregnancy. Then the friend fight. Then the abortion.

Then the ending, which is two major ways the films do differ. See, they both play up to the same stereotypes, the same cliches, and the same flimsiness. Fast Times is typically regarded with greater placement in the movie heirarchy than Virgin, and I for one do not disagree with this placement.

But why? It'd be easy to say that the "nice guys finish last" attitude taken by Last American Virgin is what alienates it from a lot of audiences (it could be true, I tend to be out of touch).

For me, it was one of the few charms of the film, and one of the driest and most satisfyingly hilarious moments (probably second in humor only to the non-chalant swig of Jack Daniels that Gary takes in the opening party).

Gary, that's a good place to start. See, he's a lifeless, too timid, chumpwad lame-o. It makes it hard to call it a "nice guys finish last" ending, because by the end, I don't really think Gary is a very nice guy.

He switches too hastily between timid and prick; he's a bully who pays for abortions. He's the lesser of two evils, and like a presidential election, it doesn't make you feel good at the end when you pick him.

Compare Gary to Fast Times protagonist Ratner. Is he more annoying? Sure. But he's less of a prick to no true avail. He's stable and dependable as a character. Virgin has no one to sacrifice to the sake of humor, aside from David, but he's just a one-trick pony fat joke.

This throws the characterization of the important people in the film to the wind in order to throw in comic relief. Fast Times solves this by populating its fringes with memorable and outlandish characters that keep the film light and give it places to deposit the humor.

Spicoli comes immediately to mind. Arguably Sean Penn's greatest cinematic achievement, and unarguably one of the staple characters of the high school movie. When he's ordering pizza to Mr. Hand's class, when Judge "Brad Hamilton" Reinhold is jerking off to Linda in the bathroom, hell, when they meet at the end, it's all hilarious, and it's their job.

Sure, it's still a cliche, but it's a genre built on exploiting cliches, and Fast Times explores the extents of its realm. Everything is a bit lighter in Fast Times as well. The abortion turns from a 20 minute emotional clusterfuck as presented in Last American Virgin, into a casual and emotionally strengthening 5 minute sequence.

And although Fast Times can't be said to be breaking down walls of gender boundaries, at least it portrayed the females as both having opinions and being mutually interested in sex. Virgin is funny, but it's shallow and inconsistent.

It's got classic moments, but no classic characters, and Fast Times has both.