Review of The Kindergarten Teacher (2018) by Jesse O — 03 Dec 2018

The Kindergarten Teacher: 2 Breasts, No Buckets of Blood.

Spoiler alert: Those who have not already seen the movie may learn more than they wish to know. They may also assume Iâ(TM)m a dirty old man.

In the 1980s, film critic Joe Bob Briggs gained notoriety by rating movies by the number of breasts exposed. The Kindergarten Teacher has only two, but their quirky prominence is remarkable.

These days, in small part due to his teasing, the movies Briggs was reviewing are recognized as unforgivably exploitative, and his reportage inappropriate. However, The Kindergarten Teacher has, as they say in courtroom dramas, âopened the doorâ? to a concentration on these objects. The teacherâ(TM)s breasts appear with gratuitous frequency, and the open door is not merely a figure of speech.

Naturally we assume that this character has bared her breasts to her children, and to her lovers, but curiously, the camera does not record these episodes. The flesh is exposed only to the audience, and we wonder why. Breasts generally represent sexuality and maternal devotion, but in this instance, they seem to play no part in those exchanges.

Apparently having no part in driving the plot, they suggest a contextual analysis. This might lead us to imagine their exposure results from the current economic and social climate: Perhaps a director or producer in the Harvey Weinstein mold has dictated the shots to demean or humiliate the actress. Or, quite the opposite: the producer, director, or the actress herself may have determined that audiences should get used to seeing these parts of a human body without implication of sexuality or motherhood.

The particular breasts in question could support either argument. They have not been selected or remodeled to conform to Hollywood standards. Ms. Gyllenhaalâ(TM)s breasts are attractive, but not her most enticing feature. They look like theyâ(TM)ve rarely seen a brassiere, and when they are seen in one, they look out at the audience like fish caught in a net.

The character herself is not a Hollywood type, either. She does some crazy things, but not crazy enough to support a typical movie plot. The audience is kept perpetually off guard wondering about the characterâ(TM)s sanity, wondering if we are watching a comedy or a tragedy. Itâ(TM)s not really funny, and we begin to imagine the worst. We feel constantly compelled to warn her âDonâ(TM)t go there!â?

The teacherâ(TM)s choice to support an emerging poet is laudable, but her level of dedication is absurd, leading us to contemplate her motivation. At first, it seems the plot is inauthentic. How could this nice, reasonable person make such poor decisions? But maybe itâ(TM)s too authentic, too real for Hollywood. (Really, how many times have we done inexplicable things - things that might have hurt others without benefiting us? For instance, writing an unpaid movie review.) Maybe the messiness and confusion makes it more true to life.

When sexual situations arise in this film, bare breasts are notably absent. This woman seems poised to have sex with her husband, or with her writing teacher, but the acts themselves are undocumented - as though the intercourse is unimportant. It would seem that sex with her husband is both rare and routine and that she accepts her instructorâ(TM)s attentions just because he is excited by the poetry she recites.

Her young protà (C)gà (C), in his poetry, seems to be channeling the feelings of an older person whose words he does not understand. He doesnâ(TM)t expect others to understand him either. He performs to please his teacher, but there is little emotional connection.

The teacher cares dutifully for children, yet she is not exactly nurturing. She is a frustrated stage mom. Her seemingly well-balanced teenagers have grown to resist her obsessive encouragement, so she focuses her attention on one of her kindergarten students. Like her own children, he is ambivalent about his own potential, but he is still too young and innocent to resist.

Both the kindergarten teacher and her continuing education instructor love poetry as an attractive combination of sounds and images, but they donâ(TM)t recognize it as a pathway to the soul of an individual. Both teachers yearn for creativity, but they recognize only form, not substance.

Like the boyâ(TM)s beautiful, but unattached phrases, the womanâ(TM)s breasts are attractive, but meaningless distractions - leading the plot nowhere in particular.