Review of The Huntsman: Winter's War (2016) by Juliankennedy23 — 15 Jan 2017

Talented and charismatic stars turn what is a special effects dumpster fire into a somewhat entertaining special effects dumpster fire.

The Huntsman: Winter's War is both a prequel and a sequel to Snow White and the Huntsman and in the very least is not burdened with that film's ridiculous premise that Kristen Stewart is more “fair” than Charlize Theron. (Not to mention the even more ridiculous theory that Kristen Stewart is Snow White. Unless giving the director’s wife a poison apple counts but I might me mixing up my characters.).

Unfortunately, despite this leg up, the sequel fails in the story department. The plot is the not Snow White but a live action version of Frozen. I know that sounds pretty cool. So how does one start such a film? A musical number? A colorful recap of the first film showing what its characters are up to now? Does somebody build a snowman?

If you're a screenwriter you, of course, start with a brutal remake of the opening act of Conan the Barbarian. And of course, make sure you have plenty of voice over narration. People love when someone simply tells them a story rather than show it with the action on screen. (Yes, I know the Original Conan the Barbarian had plenty of voice over narration. In all fairness, though, it starred early 80’s Arnie who spoke like a dozen words of English).

This is the second film I have seen this week that glorifies child soldiers (the first was an even worse 5th Wave), whom barely make sense when you have machine guns and suicide bombs but make zero sense when the swords weigh more than they do.

The Huntsman: Winter's War also continues the somewhat disturbing trend of having regular size actors play dwarves. Which has always struck me as some weird digital blackface preventing actual dwarves from being hired?

All this aside it is certainly worth the watch for the actors on display. Jessica Chastain is stunning, Charlize Theron is still the fairest of them all and Chris Hemsworth brings his goofy broad charm that a movie about child slavery so desperately needs.

The actors, costumes, sets and most of the special effects guys are absolved of all their sins. The director, however, deserves an eternity of building a snowman and screenwriter needs To be crushed, driven before us all to a soundtrack of the lamentations of his women.