Review of The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug (2013) by Ianarmer — 17 Dec 2013

THE DESOLATION OF SMAUG is a monumental failure on just about every level; storytelling, character development, SFX and even acting. It wheezes, aimlessly, through a CGI heavy landscape via pointless camera moves, pointless situations, pointless characters and some of the worst sets/make-up I've seen in a modern Hollywood picture. The sets look fake, one shot leaves you gawking at the heavily applied foundation on Bilbo's face, the weave of wigs and stick-on facial hair, all distracting from the already distracting and shambolic plot falling apart before your eyes over the three hour running time.

Jackson has discovered a new love of violence in TDOS here, violence is cool and sexy. It all plays out like a computer game revenge fantasy of some lonely Tolkien freak. Heads are lopped off, Elves kill like superhero's in a perverse ballet of sadistic machismo and Orcs look like fetish pain-freaks (a bizarre mash up of flesh and metal). And the gratuitous pornography of violence builds and builds throughout the picture, as if Jackson can't get enough of killing. And killing everything in the sexiest, coolest, physically amazing way imaginable.

Let's not dwell on that, however. Most things can be forgiven if one is hooked into an involving, emotive story of which TDOS has not. Bilbo our eyes and way into Middle Earth takes back seat as a ludicrous love triangle plays out with a porky looking Legolas, a dwarf I can't even remember from the first part and another female Elf called Tauriel. If only the love triangle was between the dwarf and Legolas with Tauriel side-lined it might have worked!

The plot for TDOS is atrocious. That it is the 2nd part of an unnecessary trilogy is no excuse (The Two Towers is magnificent). Events just happen for no real reason. Characters are introduced and their back story crammed into a few moments and we are expected to care for their plight. The careful time and effort put into Part 1 of The Hobbit (yes, I liked it) is thrown out of the window for one meaningless set-piece after another. Eventually, we get to the mountain and Bilbo finally has something to do, other than kill things, cut ropes, slip on the Ring and vanish now and again. He solves an important puzzle, he slips into the lair of Smaug and, briefly, the film comes alive.

The conversation between Bilbo and Smaug works brilliantly. The CGI has obviously gone into this behemoth and the lack of music and overkill ramps up the tension a mere two hours into the movie. And then, it is gone. Smaug becomes a dunce, unable to kill anything within six foot of his snout. There is also a ridiculous 'plan' set in motion by the dwarves, involving hot gold and furnaces and, blah, blah, blah... They leap around like acrobats (everybody does in this film) and concoct the most inept counter attack on a dragon ever staged. So ridiculously complex it would make Dr Evil blush. So easily brushed aside, it makes the preceding 20 minutes of acrobatics pointless. And that sums up everything about this movie. It is pointless trash. All padding with no serious regard for story telling or character development. It just wants 'moments' of cool killing and violence. The entire film is a miserable, boring, tedious, violent, unlikable and cynical exercise in making money. It's the very worst Middle Earth film. It's quite possibly one of the worst films ever made, full stop.