Review of The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies (2014) by Zimbardo — 17 Dec 2014

A slow and tedious close to a series that lost its edge a decade ago.

Here's a few reasons why Christopher Tolkien is a saint for turning down millions to keep Jackson from defecating on his father's work:

1) The Necromancer story arc ends up just being another crappy fight scene (why the hell is Saurumon's magical power Kung-Fu?) that feels more like a teaser for the LotR series. This would have been a perfect opportunity to expand on the back stories and roles presented in the Silmarillion. Doesn't happen, instead we get a lame light show.

2) What about the fight scenes we've all been waiting for? This would have also been an AWESOME opportunity to show off more of Beorn doing cool bear-man stuff but he's limited to a 2 second cameo. Instead we see more combat involving Bard's 12 year old son. Great call.

3) The epic battle and armies feel more like rival gangs. I swear to god when the dwarfs show up it feels like I'm watching The Warriors. This battle didn't feel anywhere near as epic as it should have. It's not like cost is a limiting factor when everything is CGI. I don't understand why they didn't render in larger armies.

4) The movie moves at a crawl. They really drag out Thorin's Dragon Sickness and the only reason seems to be they gotta fill up time. I love it when Thorin sobers up and then asks his crew if they're willing to go out and fight... which is what they've been pleading for this entire time. What was with that sinking into gold scene? The CG was so bad I thought we were going to get a Beast Wars cameo.

5) The movie opens with Smaug's attack on Lake Town which SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED IN THE LAST FILM. Smaug's attack and death feel so anti-climatic that I'm 100% sure the decision to keep Smaug alive into this movie was just so Cumberbatch could help in the film's advertisement. For Christ's sake he has 3 lines.

6) Martin Freeman looks bored. Maybe the rest of the movie poisoned my mood but Bilbo seems like he's reading off lines. Hell, he doesn't even feel like the film's hero, Alfrid the Master's lackey gets more screen time.

All of this has been done before and done better in the original trilogy. This could have been something great if Jackson and crew didn't phone it in as a cash grab.

But I should end on a positive note: Hugo Weaving is still a bad ass and the only reason why this film doesn't get a 0.