Review of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (2005) by Diego T — 17 Feb 2014

Okay, I'll be honest. I haven't seen this film since I was eleven years old. Which should make it all the more impactful when I say this: The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is unfunny, juvenile, and way too silly to be considered a real movie, let alone a good one. Tut's Tutillating Filmmaking Tip #27: When one of your main characters has a brain that runs on lemon juice, it is time to rethink your moviemaking career. I'm going to try and keep this review short, as this is a film that I could easily end up ranting on, and also because I don't remember some parts of it and therefore don't want to be forced to speculate (or, even worse, look up the plot on Wikipedia and in the process relive the horrible experience of watching this movie).

So, The Hitchhiker's Guide stars Bilbo Baggins as a random guy who, along with Zooey "Summer" Deschanel, is the survivor of the total destruction of Earth by an outside alien force. They encounter Sam Rockwell, an intergalactic troublemaker, and make their way across the universe trying to find a way to restore their home planet. This premise would have worked pretty well as, say, a Futurama episode, but as live action it just cannot be pulled off. There's something innately more serious about real actors than cartoons, and the juxtaposition of that slight attempt at realism, coupled with this idiotic plot, is enough to drive the viewer insane. It makes up random plot points just out of convenience, doesn't follow an actual narrative of any kind, and resorts to toilet humor whenever possible. Oh, and singing dolphins aren't funny. Seriously, are you kidding me?

There are a few minor highlights to this film, including Alan Rickman voicing a big-headed robot, but nothing to overshadow the pure stupidity of the proceedings. I know, none of it is supposed to be taken seriously. But does that mean we have to resort to Scary Movie-style humor and a complete lack of intelligence? It sullies the category of sci-fi/comedies by dumbing down the best parts of Men in Black, Ghostbusters, Galaxy Quest, Futurama, and Spaceballs, throwing it all in a blender, and getting a final product that adds up to considerably less than the sum of its parts. No matter how many people try to convince me, I will never find the number 42 funny. Sorry.

Final Score for The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy: 2/10 stars. I laughed maybe five times throughout this movie. To put that in perspective, that's only four more times than I laughed at Movie 43 (I know, I'm ashamed, I laughed at that thing once and instantly regretted it). Virtually nothing about this movie works, from its bad visuals to its extremely contrived voice-over. It is a total mess, and I cannot recommend it in any way to any but the most devout fans of the book, which also sucked ass. Honestly, if you're going to see this movie, my review will not change that. But if you're having the slightest question about whether or not you should watch it, my advice is to stay the fuck away.