Review of The Hitcher (2007) by Jeff B — 28 Feb 2014

Ever since the new The Texas Chainsaw Massacre solidified the American market?s bloodlust for horror classic remakes, the Cineplexes have been flooded with more ?tastes great, less filling? retreads than moviegoers could shake a knife at. The tally of recent remakes proving poor on quality, but heavy on the skin and bloodshed plays out like a ?Year?s Worst? list: The Fog, The Amityville Horror, Black Christmas, et al and ad nauseum. The Hitcher not only continues this rank tradition, it even takes it a step further. Unoriginal to the point of banality and as scary as a rubber snake, The Hitcher is such an amazingly bad thriller that it actually physically hurts to watch.

In the R-rated Hitcher, a mysterious hitchhiker (Bean) mercilessly torments a young college couple (Bush, Kyle Davis) en route to Spring Break?ad nauseum. The couple makes puppy dog eyes and pick up a seedy traveler who turns out to be a homicidal maniac. When they stay together, he finds them. When they split up, he finds them. When others split them up, he still finds them.

Channeling all of the acting prowess of a kindergarten play, this cast cannot even seem to go through the motions. Bush and Davis demonstrate all of the sexual chemistry of a cold toilet seat. Looking more like he is breaking wind as opposed to amassing a body count, Bean?s idea of playing menacing seems to be perpetually sneering. Not only is the action set off by a bad decision, everything about this film-including seeing it-is a bad decision.

Bottom line: Road kill.