Review of The Goonies (1985) by Clem666 — 01 Feb 2021

I watched this expecting to witness that classic movie everyone told me about. Hard to describe how disappointed I am...

Scenario begins by being interesting but ends up being predictable, uninspired and shallow. The time everyone spends on this damned cave at the end is way too long. There are some poor parallel stories going on just to try to extend movie duration. How uninteresting! Characters are flat and dull. It is really hard to have any empathy for them excepted for Mickey and Brand Walsh at some few points of the story. I know it's a movie for children but does that mean they all have to shout and speak at the same time in this movie? I truly think showing this thing to kids is a total shame because of its constant vulgarity, its nonsense and its lack of intellectual depth. There are way too many stereotypes in this feature: girls are attractive and a bit dumb, they just want their first kiss as soon as possible, guys are here to be strong protectors, parents are here only in order to sign papers and prevent children to eat too many chips, fat kids are laughable, chinese create a lot of failed gadgets and so on.

Special effects look really old. This feels like Indiana Jones but for children so the emergency exits and secret passages in the movie are really obvious.

Bad guys oscillate between being truly dangerous as they almost tortured a child and crazy and deaf since they can't even manage to hear a dozen of kids in an abandonned house. The third brother is an abomination. I just don't write that because he is actually ugly but rather because he concentrates all the debility of the movie in himself. His presence completes those of the children as he can't stop shouting inarticulated words and insulting people. The movie morality is as ineffective as childish.

Spielberg didn't hesitate to show commercial brands on screens using children's attention in one of the most perverse and insidious way. It is such a trash that it is hard not to give it a 0/10.