Review of The Golden Compass (2007) by Linda B — 31 Mar 2013

You know you're in trouble when there is only worthwhile scene in the entire movie, and that involves Nicole Kidman slapping a small monkey Sean Connery style. That was a real knee-slapper, though I'm not sure if it was really meant to be...

Nicole Kidman (who I normally like) plays Marissa Coulter: the "villain." Her screen-time is noticeably short, sometimes common for the villain, especially in fantasy. However, she makes absolutely nothing of the scenes she's in. Without giving too much away, she is Darth Vader with a sex change, minus the villainous charm. Take Margaret Hamilton in the Wizard of Oz, whose screen-time was extremely limited, who made every second count and is still haunting our childhood nightmares 70 years after the fact (and I'm sure Miss Hamilton wasn't paid a whopping $15,000,000).

The heroine is also lacking. She is perpetually constipated, a chilly bore, and impossible to care about. Most of the performances range from bad to bland, though I suspect incompetent direction is partially to blame. The actors fail to interact convincingly with their digital co-stars: a drunken polar bear; an abused monkey; and an assorted group of other miscellaneous creatures, all of them clumsily realized digital creations. Not surprisingly, a sickeningly huge budget has produced a sickeningly garish movie, teeming with gaudy landscapes and soulless characters.

There is nothing sadder than wasted potential, and the Golden Compass fits that bill exactly--the celluloid equivalent of Homer Simpson's towering silo of pig excrement. Heart and sincerity are abandoned, and that may be the worst transgression. Emotionally, the Golden Compass is a cold, sterile hospital-room of a movie, without a single loving visitor at its threshold. And certainly no flowers.