Review of The Glimmer Man (1996) by Nicolaj M — 23 Aug 2008

It's Autumn 1995 and Steven Seagal walks into his production office and sits down with his producing partner Julius Nasso to talk about his new project. Here's how I imagine their talk went: Seagal "Julius, I was thinking for my next film I should try something different.

" Nasso "Oh yeah Steven? Are you sure?" Seagal "Yeah well, 'Under Seige" was really great, so was "Under Seige 2" but they were quite similar. I think my fans would like to see something different from me.

I think they'd like me to show some... what's that word again? Oh yeah, range." Nasso "Hmmm, I dunno Steve. What did you have in mind?" Seagal "Well there's this type of movie I've been hearing a lot about these days and it's called the 'buddy cop' movie.

You heard of it?" Nasso "Yeah I've heard of it." Seagal "Well I'd like to make one of those except we can skip out on the getting to know you stuff. Just have my character turn up in the other guy's office and then they're mates okay?" Nasso "Shouldn't there be some kind of relationship development between you guys?" Seagal "Why bother?" Nasso "Okay.

" Seagal "Oh, and my partner has to be black. People love all that." Nasso "All that?" Seagal "Interracial stuff. It's quite in at the moment so if you could get some black comedian that would be great.

We'll bounce off each other, the wit will hit the fan, it'll be great." Nasso "Okay, well that's the characters sorted, what about the story?" Seagal "Well there's got to be some room for me to chat about Buddha, as well as randomly killing people.

I was thinking about a credit card knife." Nasso "Does that have anything to do with the plot?" Seagal "No. It just means I kill bad guys faster." Nasso "I like it, what's next?" Seagal "Well if we have some kind of serial killer thing that would be cool.

But people might get bored of that so lets get some... CIA guy to just be bad? That sound cool?" Nasso "People love to hate the CIA Steve." Seagal "Awesome! Now about the director and all that stuff, don't worry about talent just get someone quick.

I need this out this time next year. Gotta get myself some sweet jackets for Christmas." Nasso "Okay sure I'll sort that out." Seagal "Awesome, I'm going to go relax for a bit.

Let me know when it's ready. I think I'll get a new jacket for it." Nasso "Nice, always looking sharp double S." Seagal "Cool, well I'm going to go. Oh, Julius..." Nasso "Yes mate?" Seagal "Could we call it the Glimmer man?" Nasso "Why?" Seagal "Because it sounds cool" Nasso "But it's got nothing to do with the script.

.." Seagal "People won't care. It's glimmer!" Nasso "Ahhh, I see what you mean. Nice call." Seagal "I don't know how I do it. Finnally then Jules, make sure the writer throws in a joke about a deer's penis.

That is just pure funny." Nasso "Will do buddy, seeya later." Seagal "See you later amigo." And that's how a classic was born. Stupid.