Review of The Forever Dead (2007) by Mike I — 07 May 2010

How to make a shitty, low-budget zombie movie in just 11 easy steps:

1) Don't buy groceries for a week. There's probably enough stuff in your pantry and fridge to last you seven days. The money you save will be your budget for the movie.

2) Post a flier at the local Piggly Wiggly looking for your cast. The ability to act AT ALL is not required. In fact, the less talented a cast, the better.

3) Don't bother researching what blood looks like in real life. Be creative. Water with red food coloring is cheap and... it's red. Like blood. Good enough.

4) Find a stuffed rabbit toy and tie it to a stick with fishing line.

5) Shoot every scene in one take. The more time you shoot a scene, the less authentic it will look. Actors are laughing when they shouldn't? Pfffttt - nobody will notice. And if they do, they'll just chalk it up to nervous laughter because of the situation(s) the characters are in.

6) There's no need for a script, per se. Just a general plot will suffice. Let everyone play to their strengths, be them as they may. When you do script a scene, make sure your actors recite their lines perfectly. If it means they sound like they are reading their lines, that's okay. It shows you how dedicated they are.

7) If anyone that replies to your flier is attractive, send them home. Real people are not attractive and you want this to look real, right?

8) When you edit in sound effects, don't worry about the realism. A gunshot is a gunshot is a gunshot. A gun is being fired outdoors? No need to have the shot echo. A nice, flat sounding report is just fine.

9) Remember - your characters are in an awesome zombie movie. Thus, THEY are awesome. When shooting a gun, only pussies let something like recoil affect them. And your characters ARE. NOT. PUSSIES.

10) Read one article by Tom Savini on special effects and you'll be set. Any tips he may offer in said article can be applied to any situation, regardless of what the advice was. If he talks about gunshot wounds, just modify it a little to suit your need. Honestly, is there that much of a difference between a gunshot wound and having your intestines ripped out?

11) Call your movie "Forever Dead".