Review of The Expendables 3 (2014) by Novastream — 15 Sep 2014

Yeah, I kind of liked it.

Hmm? What’s that? I need to say more?

Well… if I must.

The Expendables 3 was an action movie that typifies the genre. It’s loud, there are frequent explosions and the protagonists survive through situationsYeah, I kind of liked it.

Hmm? What’s that? I need to say more?

Well… if I must.

The Expendables 3 was an action movie that typifies the genre. It’s loud, there are frequent explosions and the protagonists survive through situations that no mere mortal could ever walk away from.

The script is predictable, though that isn’t really a criticism. If you want an adrenaline-pumping action movie you’re not really there for the story. Which, really, isn’t bad; again, it’s predictable because it’s Action Movie: The Movie, and at that it excels. If you’ve seen an Expendables movie before, prepare yourself for some serious deja-vu.

The basic plot is that an old enemy, played by Mel Gibson, has risen from the proverbial grave and Barny, Sylvester Stallone, deems his team ‘too old’ for this line of work, replacing them with some fresh faces. Until they get predictably captured and the old warhorses have to be brought out to save them. I would say spoilers but, again, if you’re familiar with movies at all none of this will come as a surprise to you, and knowing will detract nothing from your viewing experience.

The almost-entirely-male cast is thoroughly likeable, engaging in a feature-film length contest of ‘who can be the awesomest’ (I don’t care what Word thinks, awesomest is a word), a contest which is used as the framework from which to hang countless excellent stunts and badarse moments. These moments are done exceptionally well and are, quite frankly, the sole reason this movie holds together – so any excuse to have more of them is welcomed with open arms.

The one exception to the likable cast is the sole female character. She just feels like a desperate bid in an otherwise male-dominated movie. This movie fails every possible interpretation of the Bechdel test, the now-infamous metric of just how sexist a movie is. Here’s a hint: For two female characters to have a conversation about something other than men, you need a second female character. Still, it wouldn’t be quite so bad if she weren’t the least-enjoyable screen presence, with every line delivered with an aggravating sneer that just seemed so out of place. She wasn’t as friendly as the blokes and, worse still, she lacked the rogue’s charm that her male counterparts had in spades.

The star power of this film is tremendous, though I still haven’t decided if it’s a good thing or a bad thing. A lot of the movie is about the original team being too old to play mercenary, and it comes across as a bit too… well, apt. Sylvester Stallone is 68 years old now and Arnie follows close behind at 67, and they’re starting to look and sound their age. Portions of the movie are rendered cringe inducing by this fact. Harrison Ford? We all remember that infamous line from Indiana Jones. “It belongs in a museum!” “So do you!” Shockingly, of the three, he’s probably aged the best, in spite of the five years he’s got on Schwarzenegger.

How did the young blood hold up to the old money, though?

Well, I can’t remember a single one of the replacement Expendable’s names, and I walked out of the cinema less than an hour ago as of writing this. I remember all the older, original cast’s, I remember their quirks and charm. I wouldn’t be able to pick the younger ones out of a lineup, again, with the rest of the movie still so fresh in my mind.

Oh, I also remember being really friggin’ annoyed by a couple of missiles, bombs and other miscellaneous explosives that went off right next to the protagonists, including a friggin’ thermobaric missile, and they simply rode the shockwaves and walked it off. Yes, I know it’s a staple of action movies to be pushed away from the explosion and survive it with more damage to your clothes than anything else but, I mean, come on. If someone tells you they were within two meters of of a missile the size of a truck when it detonated they are either a liar or being contacted via séance.

Those are just petty grievances though. If you want big, dumb, loud and shooty, this is definitely the film to watch. Just, for your own safety, turn your brain off at the door.