Review of The Expendables 3 (2014) by Gretchenmann — 06 Sep 2014

Back in my teens and early twenties, my friends and I watched the “Billy Jack” film series. We always had a great time with loud (and occasionally beer-addled) guffaws because we were sure that the Billy Jack movies were the worst that would or could ever hit the big screen. We were wrong. Dave and I watched “The Expendables III” in Paris on Thursday. At first we considered finding it in its original English for better comprehension, but as it turned out, the film could have been in any or no language and it wouldn’t have made any difference at all.

If there’s anything worse than a “chick flick”, it’s a “dick flick”. The “Expendables III” was a loud shoot-em-up experience from the get go. From the opening scenes to the grand explosive finale, there was no plot, no audible or decipherable dialog, and no discernable acting. This was a movie for testosterone-fueled 17 year-old boys with pizza faces. The goal of every character in the film was to kill as many people as feasible, to destroy as many structures as possible, and to bomb and burn as much of their surroundings as imaginable. It was non-stop mayhem. As usual, the bad guys had the worst aim possible allowing for the escape of the good guys through hails of bullets from guns as big as…. well, you know…. the hardly sublimated fantasies of the targeted crowd for this film. I asked Dave if he could tell the difference between the good guys and the bad guys. He said, “Sure, the bad guys are wearing the red hats.” Now really, if you and your hundreds of fellow red hats were being annihilated by a tiny group of muscular air heads, wouldn't you just get rid of the hat? The expendables were so thick headed that they wouldn’t have known the difference - really.

The only member of the cast who showed a modicum of acting was Mel Gibson who played himself - a maniacal, malevolent nut-case. Gibson must have been gratefully willing to accept just about any role in Hollywood after having sabotaged his career by insulting every Jewish producer in town. One of the biggest and most unfunny inside jokes was when the character played by Wesley Snipes was rescued by his berserk compatriots from a top-security prison where he spent eight years for “tax evasion”. Ha Ha ha ha…. no, not really. Sly Stallone’s character strutted his stuff and I admit he looked pretty good, especially for a 68 year-old. I don’t remember what he said in the film, but the directors clearly put more importance on the fit of his military fatigues than on the importance of his script. Harrison Ford, I am truly, truly sorry to say, looked every bit of his 72 years. I love older men and find them very attractive, but Ford just appeared silly in those armored helicopters. Oh where did you go, Hans Solo? Arnold Schwarzenegger chomped on cigars and pretended to deliver clever repartees. Antonio Banderas played such a sycophantic blabbermouth that even I would have shot him with his very own gun! Terry Crews was there too. He looked good with all those oiled muscles, but I don’t think he could ever top his role of President Camacho in “Idiocracy”. Fortunately for him, he was wounded at the beginning of the movie and was mercifully spared the humiliation of further “dialog”. Lo and behold, he miraculously recovered by the end of the spectacle….. never saw that coming! Then there was a group of young whippersnappers amongst the band of the new expendables who used COMPUTERS! Of course the older, wiser and more experienced guys were only slightly impressed and taught these youngsters a thing or two about real, down-and-dirty combat when push came to shove. We don’t need no stinkin’ technology! Just give me a bigger p***s oops, I mean gun. One of the newcomers to the expendable team was a blonde bombshell in an overly tight and short red dress. I’m trying desperately to block any potential images in my mind of the pizza faces with their 3-D glasses when that actress walked onto the screen. She worked as a bouncer in a disreputable night club and regularly walloped big guys by kicking them in the face and in the groin. She laid them out cold on the floor while rolling her eyes as if she were entirely bored with the whole exercise. Even this dominatrix couldn’t speak one intelligent word.

Dolph Lundgren, Jet Li, Kelsey Grammer (Kelsey Grammer?), and all the rest were cringeworthy. In spite of it all, we just saw one person leave the theater before the end of the film. I looked after her with envy, but stayed put just in case David was enjoying the movie. I could, I suppose, point out that this was a matinee and there were only six people in the entire audience. That means 17% of the audience bailed on the show. As it turns out, Dave and I were both doing the same thing and both waiting for the film to end.

Some films are quite entertaining even if some suspension of disbelief is required. However, even that couldn't save this film. If you really feel masochistic, see a chick flick.