Review of The Expendables 3 (2014) by Diego T — 23 Sep 2014

I like to think that I give movies from all genres fair shots at being good films, but I have to say that going in to The Expendables 3, it was very difficult for me to remain objective. I knew exactly what I was getting into as soon as I first heard about it-- A franchise revamp that would go to great lengths in order to gain the title of the "worst of the franchise." This movie, unlike the previous two Expendables, is PG-13, in order to target a broader audience and make more moolah. The toned-down violence is evident even in the trailers, as is the usage of that awful "Come with me now" song, both obvious scams to con the MPAA into a lenient rating (as well as to con younger moviegoers out of their money). Thankfully, this move backfired, as the film was leaked on Megashare weeks before its release, leading to a massive dent in ticket sales. So the good news is that we probably won't have to put up with another one of these films. The bad news? Well... this movie exists.

In The Expendables 3, everyone's favorite team of aging, washed-up action stars is back, led by Sylvester Stallone and consisting of an ever-changing group of interchangeable toeheads. This film also stars Jason Statham (I think), but you wouldn't know it due to his mere 20 minutes of screen time. Anyway, the big draw of these films is that they keep topping the previous one, so this time, the franchise brings in Harrison Ford and Antonio Banderas, as well as Mel Gibson as the villain. Unfortunately, instead of seeing these staples of action films go up against each other, we're given a boring and predictable plot in which Gibson is Stallone's old war buddy who was presumed dead, then became a war profiteer. I really don't know what else can be said about a story this lazy, other than that it's ineptly crafted and extremely generic. Arms dealers are the number one go-to villains in bad action movies-- Just ask Arnold Schwarzenegger.

The film's stupid plot becomes so insufferable that after a while, you start to welcome the bludgeoning action it delivers. And oh boy, does it ever deliver it. I'll give this movie credit on one front: A lot of people shoot a lot of other people in it. Oh, and things blow up too. However, when it comes to caring about the characters getting shot at, knowing why they're shooting at anyone else, and generally understanding what in the holy hell is going on, the film is decidedly lacking. And it ends up undercutting its promise of old-school action with a techie aspect to it that just doesn't work. At long last, the Expendables franchise has been dragged into the 21st century, kicking and screaming. And what an unpleasant affair it was. Everything about this movie, from the modern-style building the characters rappel down to the new, hip technology expert, begs for relevancy. It would be funny if it weren't so sad.

What really kills this film, however, is the futility of it all. This may be the last generation of real "action stars," and they're on their last leg, soon to be replaced by CGI (hell, it already happened to Arnold in Terminator 4). The jobs these guys did were shoddy at best, but I have to give them credit for at least giving it their best shot. Nobody's going to single out Bruce Willis in Die Hard 2 or Arnold Schwarznegger in The Terminator as a truly great performance. Yet there was always a certain charm and demure they brought to the table, despite the fact that a trained monkey could have acted better than them. What's so sad about this movie? It's the swan song of a bunch of old farts who now have nothing to do but sit around collecting paychecks for playing the same character they've been in since 1982. I found this movie to be a total bore, but I bet Stallone & Co had fun making it. After all, at least on that screen, they're still young men at the height of their careers, capping off bad guys and having a good time while doing it.

Final Score for The Expendables 3: 2/10 stars. I think it's safe to say that this is one of the worst films of the year. Almost nothing works here-- The action (which, let's face it, is the only reason why people watch these movies) is incoherent. The dialogue is recycled. The acting is laughable; the plot is artistically bankrupt. Basically, this movie represents what I think is the beginning of the end of an era. The dumb action films of old are slowly dying out. Now the question is, what will replace them? Will American audiences have a cultural revolution of sorts and realize that a movie does not require an explosion every five minutes in order to be entertaining? Or, on the flip side, will the void be filled by something even more vapid and shallow (cough cough MICHAEL BAY cough cough)? I know what I'd prefer. But it's entirely out of my hands.