Review of The Expendables (2000) by Kim M — 05 Sep 2012

* out of ****.

"The Expendables" is, simply put, a missed opportunity. I really do dig what Sylvester Stallone, operating from both ends of the camera as co-writer/director and star, is trying to do by bringing together a few of the action genre's biggest stars from now-and-then and putting them all in one movie; but his reach can't even be said to exceed his grasp, because there honestly isn't enough ambition in this picture for me to even admire it in such regards. While it did not require one, it does not have a good script, nor does it possess good plotting even for what it is. It also doesn't have good acting, although I suppose that's not required either. What it does have is some of the clumsiest action/stunt choreography, lamest explosions, most disappointing gore, and overall most awkward direction I've seen in a long time.

The title refers to the heroes; a group of biker mercenaries headed by Barney Ross (Stallone) who are first seen rescuing hostages from a boat-full of Somali pirates. The rest of the team consists of Lee Christmas (Jason Statham), martial arts expert Yin Yang (Jet Lee), hotheaded sniper Gunnar Jensen (Dolph Lundgren), Hale Caesar (Terry Crews), and bomberman Toll Road (Randy Couture). While they don't always get along, they're good at what they do; which is why an ominous man known only as Mr. Church (Bruce Willis, in what feels like a brief cameo appearance) hires Barney and his boys to bring the dictator General Garza (David Zayas) down from his throne on an island located within the Gulf of Mexico.

Only Christmas and Ross go at first. They meet their contact, a beautiful woman named Sandra (Gisele Itie); although it doesn't take long for their cover to be blown right from atop their pretty little heads. They do, however, discover that Garza is being manipulated by an ex-CIA officer by the name of James Munroe (Eric Roberts), who has a pair of henchmen played by Steve Austin and Gary Daniels. They escape the island but must return again to rescue Sandra after finding out that she is, in fact, Garza's daughter; although she's not endangered at the hands of her own father, but rather Munroe and his men.

From then on, it's all blood and explosions; neither being as impressive or epic as they obviously want to be. The film sets itself up to be the ultimate guy movie; a sort of throwback to 80's action with mostly male characters and an all-male sensibility to it. The jokes are cheap (and unfunny). The women are objects - nice looking ones too - although the paper-thin character writing is not just reserved for them alone. The men are essentially just as boring. "The Expendables" does not give a shit about characters; although some of the best, classic, purest action pictures don't either. The flick has its heart in the right place, but there's nothing exciting about the action that's occurring on-screen since it sits on the border between embracing silliness and taking itself too seriously.

In the end, it's an experience without any joy to be had from the audience (unless you're like super nostalgic, in which case I can understand you getting some enjoyment out of seeing these actors together like this). The only thing about it that I can honestly say I liked was a role filled by Mickey Rourke; a good performance amongst this black, soulless mass that sadly can't quite make up for the rest of it (actually, not even close). Arnold Schwarzenegger also appears in an un-credited cameo in the scene with Mr. Church, a small role that was highly anticipated by those who just wanted to see the Governator back on the big screen again. Unfortunately, the terrible timing of the dialogue does good to fuck up even his scene, among others. I hate puns, but from where I'm standing, "The Expendables" lives up to its name in big ways.