Review of The Expendables 2 (2012) by Santiagomakiina — 28 Aug 2012

Once upon a time there was a group of filmmakers that did something special at the time. They blew stuff up! Genius! Specially in the 80s. Coming out of the decade-long homage to dialogue that was the 70s (translation: they had no money for effects in the 70s, so they had to use language; who knew?!) And hence the invention of the summer blockbuster.

Cut to the dawn of the 21st century. Where, at this point, we have seen so many things, people, and/or aliens, get blown to bits in such a variety of both creative and absurdly implausible ways that audiences actually forget that the actors in a dramatic endeavor are supposed to get hired for their skill to convince you that they are someone else, not because they look awesome blasting everything in sigh to smithereens. Plus, somehow, now they all look far too sexy to kill anyone. There's a long-forgotten photo shoot they all escaped from apparently.

In any case and back to my point. My apologies. I'm getting lost just out of the sheer stupidity that seems to be happening in cinema lately. On to Expendables 2...

I'll clue you in on something blatantly obvious about the title of the "Expendable" series. The title. It means, and I quote: 'Designed to be used only once and then abandoned or destroyed.' ... Are you guys out there catching on yet? ... First of all there is a sequel, and second, they are all there, plus a few extra guys and a girl on top of that... Soooo? Who or what was actually expendable?

I mean, I get that we are supposed to be dumb and jump for joy every change crap gets shot to tears, but, if we look closely at this film, we must be the dumbest people around! Specially because the movies is holding on the top weekend spot for the second week in a row and there are plans to make a second.

I should probably tell you a bit of what actually goes on in this madness of semi-comedic testosterone. I have to warn you, there are some spoilers ahead.

The film opens with such an insane action scene that it's impossible not to envision these guys as the strongest military force on the surface of this planet-and probably beyond, but the aliens haven't weighed in yet. Let's face it, when you are this good, any government would hire you at top dollar and you wouldn't have to live in hiding.

Continuing on with what's presented on the first ten minutes of the picture. Let's point out a few fun details. For example, how these "ex-military geniuses" dress in no way like any military force anyone has ever seen. Or the completely impractical, post-apocalyptic design of their custom-made vehicles. And how about their well thought-out military intelligent strategy to rescue someone with a gun to their head by driving violently through wall after wall. Sure, why not. I guess that would never put a subject at risk. To make it even funnier, the enemy just stands there waiting to get shot! As if our "experts" are not being blatantly loud enough! ... Good comedy from the start.

Look, this is not the 80s. When simply blowing a cute little car would draw audiences to theaters en mass. This is 2012, where carefully crafted military based video games sit in the consoles of almost every member of your potential audience. You have to treat us as if we were only partially stupid, not flat out dumb. Any 14 year old with a copy of MW3 at home can do this better... Twice... While holding ice cream and texting their 16 year old girlfriend... That was meant for the marketing guys at the studio. 'You guys listening?'

This would probably be a good spot to stop, but since I'm having so much fun, I'll keep going.

A personal peeve was the "appearances" of celebrities. Starting with Jet Li. For the record. I love the guy. I think "Hero" is one of the coolest movies around. However, even though he is in every single piece of marketing for this film, he is literally in it for less than ten minutes total screen time (go for it, clock it.) He says a couple of cliché lines and then drops off the plane. Just like that. The funny thing is I was watching this happen and I said to myself. Hey! Look, that's how the studio drops a couple million dollars down the drain. Off it goes. Byyyyyye!

Another good one is Chuck Norris. Or the "Lone Wolf" as they call him. A name that I find very appropriate since he's in the movie even less than Jet Li. But at least Mr. Li had some kind of believable involvement in the plot,if you can fathom that... Basically there is a scene where everyone of our guys is trapped by an overwhelming force, and I mean, so large that they are going down. There is even a tank bearing down on them. No way, no how they survive... Until Mr. Norris arrives... In a split second, literally, everyone is machine gunned down and the tank blows up. Kaputs! Like that. As if they weren't even there... Not bad for a guy you can catch on TV after 2 am hustling exercise equipment. Wow...