Review of The Equalizer (2014) by Danny M — 24 Sep 2017

So... A by-the-book revenge-themed action movie that brings nothing new to the table, aside form the absurdity of watching 60 year-old Denzel Washington kill rooms full of people in under 30 seconds. (And since the recurring gimmick is timing on a stopwatch how quickly it will take him to dispatch everyone, what's up with the two-hour, eleven minute run-time?).

"The Equalizer" is like one of those really bland Tom Cruise movies, but with Denzel Washington instead of Tom Cruise. You know, where the protagonist is invincible and instantly the best at everything he ever tries? (Think along the lines of the profoundly unmemorable "Jack Reacher".).

Anyway, here is the synopsis... "a former assassin swears vengeance on those who committed an unspeakable act against the family he was hired to protect." Oh, wait. That's the synopsis from "Man on Fire". THIS is from "The "Equalizer"... "When McCall meets a young girl under the control of ultra-violent Russian gangsters, he can't stand idly by - he has to help her. Armed with hidden skills that allow him to serve vengeance against anyone who would brutalize the helpless, McCall comes out of his self-imposed retirement..." Wait! Does this mean Denzel already made this same movie ten years earlier, swapping out Dakota Fanning for Chloë Grace Moretz? (I don't know, 'cause I never saw "Man on Fire").

This film almost literally checks all of the boxes of revenge-action movie clichés. Main villain! Henchman! Guns! Traps! Walking away from a huge explosion! Check, check, check, check, and check! Maybe if I had never seen a Steven Seagal movie in the 90's, some of this might seem original. But I already saw "Hard to Kill," so... I'm good. Thanks! Oh, but they do kind of lift the final scene from "Gremlins," so there's that.

Denzel, bro, I'm telling you this as someone who cares... It's time to make a Comedy. Or something else different. (Literally, ANYTHING else different.) But you're an intelligent guy. I'm sure you know that already. In fact, as I glance over your IMDB page, I see that you are currently working on... Oh. Umm. "Equalizer 2'. Hmmm. Well, this is awkward.