Review of The Emoji Movie (2017) by Cole L — 30 Sep 2017

Before seeing this movie I was at the top of my field. I was bringing in 6 figures, I had a happy marriage, and no debt. My credit was perfect, I owned a cabin in northern Oregon, and loved exercising and maintaining a completely organic diet.

After seeing this movie my life instantly began to decline. After seeing this movie on the release date I have since lost my job after punching my boss because I found a text message on my wife's phone from him that contained a kissy emoji.

I quickly developed an alcohol habit that ended up joining up with a taste for heroin after my prescription I received for a slipped disc expired. I began to drown in debt as I had zero income and started shoveling all my assets to fund my alcohol, heroin and sex line habits.

I inadvertently burned down my cabin and 4 acres of forest after tripping on mushrooms for the first time. I now owe millions of dollars to a loan shark who broke all my fingers (my crack mamma Julie is typing this for me).

My diet consists of the remnants of meat on KFC chicken bones I salvage from a dumpster on skid row. I am convinced this movie is cursed because the night after watching it the "meh" emoji appeared in a dream and told me it would now be in charge of my life.

It has appeared every night since seeing the film. I can only wait for deaths sweet release. Every night I try to choke on a chicken bone and fail...fuck you emoji movie.