Review of The Dating Project (2018) by Tanya B — 16 Apr 2018

Mostly vapid movie that offers a few nuggets I liked: to pretend you can keep emotions out of hookups is silly, and you can date in levels (Level 1= no kissing, Level 2 = kissing, Level 3 = figuring out long term mating potential). There is also a nice naming that we have lost the "cultural script" for dating. Those few moments of the movie are useful. Otherwise it is just not that deep. Which made me cringe for some of the people sharing their stories, because they really show some vulnerability. Except that the way the movie is constructed, it ends up feeling like a jumble of platitudes and personal growth that happens off screen in a way the audience can't really buy into, so it ends up feeling shallow.

I would say it's also made from a very specific (conservative) cultural viewpoint. It makes the assumption that kissing should equal monogamy. It does not meet hookup culture with very much empathy --- it does not explore what needs people are meeting via hookup culture --- the movie mainly assumes hookup culture is bad. And it takes as complete given that monogamous dyad dating / mating is the best way to do things. Not examining at all how / why that "cultural script" has long been dying. (And I write this as someone who is widowed from monogamous marriage...but it's pretty easy to see that single women are a growing demographic, interest in marriage is fading/ changing, polyamory is gaining traction, divorce rates have long been epic, it's fair to guess that many kids have grown up in a maelstrom of shifting relationships --- what I am saying is that the whole mating model is in flux, which probably impacts dating. But that's not in this movie.).

This movie offers an assignment to ask people on real dates in person. Which I think is fine as a courage-building tool, but does not touch on the fact that people may be dating online because it's easier to sort for all sorts of sexual proclivities, or other things that may deeply matter to them and that are not visible from a casual glance at someone. Also, the movie touches on things like fear of rejection, or fear of asking, but so glancingly when those topics are huge.

I think the dating assignment as an exercise is a fine stunt, but the salient lessons about 1. Being honest about needs, 2. Not hiding or marginalizing emotions, 3. Dealing with risk of rejection and actual rejection --- all three require way more support and training than this movie gives. I was hoping for something a little more like a School of Life youtube movie (something that is both guiding and strongly empathetic). Or something like Erotic Capital that might help explain how stacked dating odds are by things we can't control. Or like Sex At Dawn that blows the whole monogamy model out of the water. Anything with a little intellectual meat on it.

This movie does deliver some feels because the people telling their stories are mostly lovely, but uch, I had an expression of horror through much of it for tone deafness that I'm not sure I've fully even named here.