Review of The Darkness (2016) by Adamgotnoswagg N — 11 May 2016

Imagine, if you will, a film beyond time and space..... And fundamentals of plot, acting, writing, and directing....

So, I watched The Darkness last night.... A new "horror" movie about an autistic kid who makes friends with five "third world" Anasazi demon animals... They decide to move in.... He likes it.

This movie is memorable to me in one single way. At my Florida theater myself and a host of others would frequently screen movies. Especially bad movies, and we would either enjoy them, or eviscerate them. My ALL time record was probably Silent House.... That movie broke me in its awfulness.

The Darkness would have probably caused an explosion fueled by Tourette's.

Simply EVERYTHING about this movie sucked. Hilariously. And THAT is its own redeeming quality. It was hilariously awful. We literally went full MST3K on it. It was so bad that I don't think we made it a full three minutes into it before the first joke cracked like a Ramadi sniper rifle just after morning prayers. And the hits kept on coming.

The camera work was bad. But the acting was particularly off. Like they had to do a billion takes for each speaking part and then the editor huffed glue and just shat some content into the timeline. The relationships were disjointed, the dialogue was ESPECIALLY terrible.... Just awful conversations. And the fucking green screen while driving was just hilarious.

There is one point when the dad, Kevin Bacon, drives home presumably from getting a phone call that his autistic son had started a fire, in their house.... He got a frantic call, came home, parked his car.... Passing a huge fucking fire truck at the front of his yard, which he had to pass as he turned into his driveway..... The scene starts with him rolling up, exiting his car, and then looking and overacting like he's surprised at this fire truck in his yard.... It was just horrifying.

There are enough problems with this movie that I could write a movie based on how awful this movie is. It's great advantage is that the autistic kid seems autistic (he does very well actually), and that this movie will certainly create a reason to throw parties in order to trounce on it.... With copious amounts of alcohol....

Speaking of which, it's funny how far product placement has come. The wife, Rhada Mitchell, is a recovering alcoholic who falls off of the wagon, specifically, with Absolute Vodka, which is shown in three separate scenes.... Maybe four. How far down the rabbit hole is a liquor company that they want to be advertised as the precipice of someone falling back into alcoholism?

I want to ask you a question now. If you were writing a story on Anasazi demons invading Pleasantville, what would you expect the expert who helps you vanquish the demons to be like? The writer's answer was literally plucked from Family Guy.... It was the maid. I think the casting director for blind drunk and said "Hey... You know what we need is a batshit crazy looking abuela and her granddaughter to go all Ghostbusters on these Native American demon manimals....." then he vomited onto the editing station, pissed himself, and passed out.

Fin.