Review of The Counselor (2013) by Paul L — 06 Jul 2014

I didn't hate it, but Cormac McCarthy doesn't surprise me anymore. He's a two-trick pony. Good guys win or bad guys win. Toss a coin.

The problem with this movie is that it's poorly written. The script makes no sense, and once you get past the "Oh my God, Cormac McCarthy is so shocking" (to which I'm immune) and start to actually think about the plot ... Well, it sucks.

A few of the plot holes that have not been covered elsewhere:

1) Why is the lawyer invited to participate in a big drug deal? He's got nothing and he does nothing. He clearly hasn't paid for the drugs, since the cartel gets pissed after he loses the drugs. He didn't get the drugs over the border. He doesn't have connections to make the end sale. So who the fuck is he and why would anyone pay him $20 million bucks for doing jack shit?

2) What are the odds that his murder client would be the mother of the mule involved with his drug dealing buddy (who apparently just invited the lawyer into this deal willy-nilly 'cause they are such great friends)? Oh, but wait... It gets better. Who the fuck left the truck unattended? Why was the mule going home? Why did they kill him in a gruesome fashion when they could have just shot him or ran him off the road? How did the mother know that her son was killed? How did the mother know the lawyer was wrapped up with the cartel? Or had any involvement with the latest drug deal? Who did the mother call and, for the love of god, why did she call whomever it was and magically put all these pieces together, albeit incorrectly?

3) The drug shipment is lost (again!) through a cool shoot out with ... Who? The cartel got their drugs back? That wasn't clear. But how did they find that truck if it was the cartel? Geez, we should have had the cartel look for Osama because those guys are good.

4) So, assuming the drugs have been recovered, why does the cartel seek to kill everyone? Isn't it kind of tough to replace all your northern business partners every time something goes shitty in a drug deal? Doesn't make a whole lot of economic sense to me.

5) Fuck it. Mexican's kill because they're badasses, right? And this is all about money. So... Ok, why did they ship up one drum with a dead Colombian? If this is a $20 million deal, why throw in a dead Columbian instead of making it a $30 million deal?

6) So Diaz' character is out of the scam. She's lost the drugs back to the cartel (I think?), and everyone is has the big hit out on them. She's so crafty that she goes back to her boyfriend/drug dealer's mansion to have some cold parting words. Meanwhile, cartel members are waiting outside the house down the street and she ... What? Drives past them? They miss her? But across town, the lawyer goes home (yet another bad place to go, right?) in time to pack some comfortable flying clothes and grab his iPod for his plane trip. And ... Gosh, the cartel misses him too. At the same time, however, the cartel has apparently rented every four wheel drive vehicle from Avis as well as Hertz in order to intercept the drug dealer who has no body guards and no protection aside from a pistol and two cheetahs that are locked up in a cage ... that then escape because ... Well, they escape. And MEANWHILE (yes, more shit's still going down), Cruz' character who appears to be the only one with a lick of sense has already packed her bags and is at the airport. Unfortunately, she's so unlucky that she parks virtually right next to cartel people who apparently got an APB out on her ass. They must have really tiny airports in Texas because, damn, that's really bad luck. I have a hard time finding anyone at the airport and usually wait for them to call my cell and wave at me. And since no one except the drug dealer buddy and Diaz ever met her... Again, these cartel guys are in the wrong line of work!

7) To top it all off, the lawyer figures it's best to cry at a run down hotel in Juarez, where apparently the cartel know where he's staying but decide to spare his life to deliver a snuff film. Hmmm... I thought they wanted to kill him? And finding a white guy in Juarez might not be impossible, but again... Damn impressive for even the NSA.

8) But we aren't done yet! Oh no. We still have to get Diaz her money that she wants so badly, and she knows where $20 million is just sitting around waiting to be taken! And we have to kill Brad Pitt in a manner that's more gruesome than the mule who made a brief appearance earlier in the film so... Diaz already knows where squirrelly Brad Pitt with his wisely tucked away offshore accounts is going to bail, flies over the Atlantic faster than his plane can fly with enough time to hire a couple of British hit men who will agree to kill Brad Pitt in a slow gruesome manner that the Mexican cartel will use (why not just shoot him? Or stab him? Hmmm..) and... Drum roll please... Hire a blonde cutie who will sleep with Brad Pitt, convince him to whisper his account numbers and passwords to the tart, and refuse to get paid if anything bad will happen to Brad, walking away from the money since Brad was such a good screw. And it all comes off flawlessly! Whoa, bitches, take that! And Diaz gets away! Yeah! Bad people win, meet with the banker and have breakfast. Fuck yeah.

Cormac? Stop writing stupid shit. I don't mind if you mess with me, but don't think I'm stupid. Your story? That was stupid. The only redeeming thing was that the movie was free on demand.