Review of The Conjuring (2013) by Julian T — 25 Aug 2014

How many examples do we need of mainstream critics and movie goers complete, utter, and inexcusable bad taste when it comes to horror films? Obviously at least one more, says 'The Conjuring'. It is a travesty that thoroughly unoriginal cookie-cutters like this are jumped on while the great ones are either panned or drift into obscurity. It really is a shame. 'The Conjuring' is one big long cliché that doesn't even execute its clichés.

First and foremost, what is wrong with this movie is its almost offensive lack of creativity and original thought. Every single thing here has been done before. It literally brings nothing to the table. It is a mishmash of films from a list too long to mention. 'The Amityville Horror' and 'The Exorcist' foremost among them, but more so than the classics, it steals from lesser known and more contemporary films like 'The Woman in Black', 'Darkness Falls', 'The Exorcism of Emily Rose', 'The Last Exorcism', 'The Possession', 'Mama', and about 45 others as well as all the big Japanese horror films. It is downright unforgivable to rip off so many movies, especially when most of the ideas it rips off (at least from the contemporary ones) barely worked the first time if at all. If THAT wasn't enough unoriginality for you, Wan proceeds to rip off every idea from his own producers catalog! 'Insidious', 'Dark Skies', 'Paranormal Activity', 'Sinister', etc. are all unapologetically plagiarized. I don't know if he thinks no one will notice (and looking at all these head scratchingly favorable reviews, no one did...) or if he just doesn't care, but I certainly don't appreciate such a bastardized chimera of other peoples ideas being called one of the scariest movies of all time. Last but not least (and certainly not surprisingly), the patchwork finished product of all these stolen ideas is incredibly stupid.

Not only is the story itself an unforgivable narrative, but the manor in which the story is told is just plain amateur. Substandard pacing, out of place plot detail drops with the subtlety of a sledgehammer, and plot holes big enough to drive an 18 Wheeler through. The script is garbage, the music is distracting and overdone, the lighting is too dark, and the camera work is mediocre at best.

The acting is another thing that is pretty pitiful. Patrick Wilson is a waste, and he always has been. There's a reason Ron Livingston hasn't done anything of consequence in 15 years. Vera Farmiga thinks she's guest staring on 'Days of Our Lives'. Lili Taylor is the only one who seems to even be trying, and her performance gets all twisted and turned around to the point of not even being able to tell by the end.

As much as I just unloaded on this film, it does have a few things going for it. Mainly, there are a few genuine creepy moments. Not many, but a few. All of which are in the first half of the movie. In these early scenes, it leaves everything to your imagination, using long drawn out camera shots and good sound editing to ramp up the tension. After the 50 minute mark, it all goes to hell as it completely abandons its 'left to the imagination' MO. Over explanation out the wazoo of a Nancy Drew caliber mystery and incredibly hokey and overused CGI special effects combine to drive an already suspect production into a frothy outburst of overcrowded cliché explosion.

To sum up, this is an offensively plagiarized film that relies solely on its audiences ignorance. As if this wasn't enough, the movie itself is terrible! Its the cinematic equivalent of cheating on your test by copying off the only kid in the class with a lower grade than you. At least the kid your copying off of has original answers. Now not only have you failed the test, but you don't even get points for trying. The only way you should really enjoy this movie is if it is literally the first horror movie you have ever watched. Otherwise, you've already seen this, and seen it better.