Review of The 13th Warrior (1999) by Maxx P — 06 Sep 2009

This was an interesting movie. Antonio Banderas, aka Zorro, plays the role of a muslim ambassador. He sets forth from his home, and happens upon a Viking Longboat sailing up a river. The boat comes ashore, and his faithful friend Omar Sharif is able to converse with one of the Vikings, ala I Love Lucy. Banderas speaks only Farsi, Sharif speaks Farsi and Greek, one of the Vikings speaks Greek, and well, Norse I guess, and the head Viking speaks only Norse. After he figures out a couple things, a messenger from the North appears and tells the Vikings that they are needed back home. A witch stumbles into the camp, half drunk, and casts her tiny little bone shaped dice. After she plays a few rounds of craps with herself, she begins to moan, groan, burp a little bit, and groan some more. Loosely translated, she says "Yo, I need 13 volunteers". Twelve Norsemen stand up, tottering slightly and simultaneously spilling their grog, but the witch stops the 13th one from rising. Again, a loose translation, "Yo, Osama bin Mohammed, grab your crap and let's go".

And so Banderas joins them.

The brave 13 sail to the Viking home. Banderas watches them all closely, and picks up on how to speak their language, so the audience doesn't need a translator anymore. Upon arriving in Canada, or wherever they shot this movie, the group meets up with the rest of the Vikings. A Nameless Horror Rampages Across The Lands! Oh Noes!

So naturally the 13 warriors start looking for this horror.

Hmm. Content wise, this movie probably deserves its R rating due to two scenes. One where it shows some mutilated carcasses in smellovision, and the other when a man loses his head and his torso squirts blood from the neck. All in all, a pretty graphic movie. Language is quite minimal, practically no sexual content to speak of, save for one scene where it is implied/confirmed someone sleeps with someone else.

As for the plot, I felt it lacked something. There wasn't enough butt-kicking, strangely enough. I wasn't satisfied with the multiple fortress stormings, or the man-on battles between what seems to be a zombie bear. There was just something that was missing. I think it was a plot, but don't quote me on that. Several amusing moments, an epic duel between two Vikings, and laughable quotes from a muslim to anyone who knows what they're supposed to believe.

It's worth a watch at least once.

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