Review of Texas Chainsaw 3D (2013) by Mateosandiego — 08 Jan 2013

Even for a horror movie, Texas Chainsaw 3D takes implausibility to new heights. That's not to say it's unwatchable, but for a franchise that is most appreciated for the unflinching grittiness of its source material and a continuum of creepiness, TC3D features neither of those traits.

The film tries to do right by the original film, picking up moments after Sally Hardesty escapes from Leatherface in the back of a pick up truck, and shows the cops arriving at The Family's farmhouse as a result of the events from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1).

But the reference to and inclusion of the original's gnarly, almost documentary-style footage only manages to highlight even greater the overall plainness of TC3D; which is to say it looks like The Apparition or One Missed Call.

Standard. Plain. More wonkiness ensues as the history it claims to be bound to is suddenly rewritten with the addition of several new family members, including women and children (!) and a handful of un-scary men in overalls, none of whom appeared or were even referred to in the first entry.

evidently TC3D's writers confused the original and the remake, the latter having also added birthin' folk to the mix. Well, guess what? It all doesn't matter, since all of Sawyer family are quickly killed when a vigilante group of locals burn down the house, killing everyone inside.

That is, all but a single baby girl. Aha! Fast forward to modern day, where that baby girl, Edith, is now an adult - but also conspicuously not her late thirties, which she would be if the original film truly took place in 1974, which it very openly did.

She inherits her grandmother's house in Texas, a place that secretly houses Leatherface in the basement, who summarily kills all her friends shortly after they arrive at the house. This is especially unfortunate as interpersonal tension is built between her best friend and boyfriend, who are together cheating on Edith, but none of that matters because nobody lives long enough for anything to come of it.

Indeed, Edith never even finds out about the affair. This ain't The Mist. How Leatherface survived the vigilante townsfolk, or even managed to travel, is also skimmed over. There is a line where someone mumbles "Maybe he ran out the back.

..?" Maybe! This leads to what is probably the scene that best exemplifies the overall squandered potential of the Texas Chainsaw 3D, as Edith escapes the secluded grounds of her grandmother's home, only to happen upon a well-populated and surprisingly nearby county fair, ferris wheel and all.

Fans of the series have long lamented that while The Texas Chainsaw Massacre franchise is super, there has never truly been a "massacre" in any of the films. Surely Leatherface entering the fairgrounds, swinging his live chainsaw, will remedy this blight? Nope.

Not even a single passerby meets their end at Leatherface's saw. Pity. Edith survives the attack and is eventually sheltered by the police... But they get distracted amongst each other and she runs away after having discovered their role in the burning down of her family's original farmhouse.

It should ne noted that she learns this only after the police leave her alone in a room with the "Evidence Box" detailing the original murders, and is so angry at the vigilante townspeople that she writes "muderers" over their photos with a red Sharpie.

Umm... What? Apparently the only thing she hates more than murderers are people who murder murderers! Yeah! The movie slows down quite steadily at this point, as Edith now must deftly elude the terminally uninteresting locals, who also want to kill her because they know she is related to Leatherface.

Lucky for her, Leatherface becomes hip to their scheme and comes to Edith's rescue just as they are about to kill her at the old abandoned slaughterhouse. As a result, the townsfolk instead turn their aggression towards Leatherface, but then Edith rescues him too.

Yes, indeed... she apparently has already gotten over the face that he murdered all her friends only 40 minutes before, and feels tender hearted towards him, due to his "simple nature" and, I guess, that sad look in his eye behind the skin-mask he wears over his face.

Although the police eventually intervene, they nonetheless allow Edith and Leatherface to simply go back home, despite the carnage, telling them only to "clean this **** up" - the most egregious line of the film.

.. in a film full of egregious lines. The last of their clan, Edith and Leatherface do actually return home to start a new, seemingly platonic life together - adding another wasted opportunity of TC3D to seize on the delightful creepiness of the franchise.

**** you not, that's how the movie ends.