Review of Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003) by Mikhail A — 07 Dec 2013

Now here comes the moment you've all been waiting for: my epic rant on Terminator 3, the film many fans believe is superior to Salvation. I couldn't disagree more. This movie has weak action, a dumb-ass story, uninteresting characters, a lame script, and for the first time in action film history, Schwarzenegger making me cringe. Not only did this movie destroy what The Terminator and Terminator 2 stood for as two of the greatest sci-fi and action films of all time, but it also had the nerve, it had the gall, it had the AUDACITY to make fun of them.

In 1984, filmmaker James Cameron gave us a classic, The Terminator, a dark and gritty sci-fi action thriller with some occasional surprising elements of horror here and there. Everything about the film was just great, from the acting, the script, the action, the suspense, the climax, and the concept among others. It's one of the best films ever known to man for very good reason.

Seven years later, Terminator 2: Judgment Day came along and it was even better. The plot is basically the same, except Arnold Schwarzenegger became the good guy this time around in a stroke of absolute genius. We also had a new villain found in the T-1000, a superior Terminator who went on to become one of the most famous villains in film history. Everything was fantastic, especially the action, effects, and performances.

If you were going to make Terminator 3, then you NEEDED to live up to them. You didn't need to be better than them. You just had to live up to them. But they failed. T3 was so bad it couldn't even live up to a bad episode of The Big Bang Theory. Here's the story: John Connor is now in his 20's and is living in fear of Judgment Day, and to make things worse, Skynet sends a new Terminator, the T-X, back to his time, when he couldn't be located, so a new T-850 Model 101 comes to protect him and a woman who'll be his wife in the future so they can stop Judgment Day, which turns out to be inevitable.

Here are the glaring errors 70% of RT critics failed to notice: John living in fear of Judgment Day, and Judgment Day turning out to be inevitable, ruins the definitive ending to T2, with the T-850 sacrificing himself to save the future and take down Cyberdyne, and John and Sarah Connor no longer living in fear of Skynet, having a sense of hope. Making Judgment Day inevitable makes everything in T2 completely nonsensical, and even has everything that happened in both T1 and T2 not only be extremely pointless, but mean absolutely fucking nothing. Also, why are John, the Terminator, and Kate trying to stop Judgment Day if it's fucking inevitable? Who the fuck wrote this shit? Did the fucking Easter Bunny write this script on meth?

The acting is just putrid. Arnold Schwarzenegger is clearly trying to make the new T-850 work here in this movie, but the writing and direction are so bad that he comes off as annoying and cringe-worthy. I'm not even kidding when I say that. Nick Stahl sucks as John Connor. He's just a talentless gimp and an awful replacement for the great Edward Furlong. Claire Danes as Kate Brewster was just painful. Like with Arnold Schwarzenegger, I wouldn't blame her for the awful performance she gave, but rather the piss-poor script she had to work off of. For example, her fiancé and dad were killed on the same day and she hardly shows any genuine emotion. I've seen people show more emotion taking a shit on someone's grave, sucking their blood, spitting the blood out on a pilgrim's face, and wetting their fucking bedsheets afterwards.

This script, much to my surprise, was written by John Brancato and Michael Ferris, both of whom confirmed to have hated T2. So, the writers who hate T2 are the guys you want to hire to pen the script for one of the biggest sequels in film history? My God, fuck you, filmmakers. Brancato's and Ferris' previous writing credits include David Fincher's The Game (a great film), the much superior Terminator sequel Terminator Salvation, and the highly entertaining Surrogates. So, I must ask: What the fuck went wrong here?

Speaking of Surrogates, both that film and this one were directed by Jonathan Mostow. Mostow previously directed the boring and historically inaccurate U-571 and the underrated Kurt Russell thriller Breakdown. Why would you get a director with a variety of films smaller than Rob Cohen or Michael Bay to direct one of the biggest sequels ever? Are you shitting me? Hell, Surrogates was the only film Mostow directed SINCE Terminator 3. Yep, this film was so bad Mostow couldn't even get his films funded anymore. He went on to co-write the shitty horror thriller House at the End of the Street and produce the mediocre Playing for Keeps. So of all the directors you could've gotten to direct T3, from Michael Bay to Sam Raimi, from Gore Verbinski to Tony Scott, from Rob Cohen to Joe Johnston, from John Woo to Gary Fleder, you pick this guy. Fuck you.

The T-X is just an awful villain. I have no problem with the fact that the T-X is a female Terminator. I thought it was a decent idea to have a female Terminator. But here's my problem: She's not a new model despite what the film claims. She has no more new abilities than the T-1000 has. She can turn into metal, change into anything she touches, she's tougher than Schwarzenegger, and she can survive tons of explosive shit. She even orgasms when licking blood for DNA samples. I've never seen a robot orgasm this weird and out-of-place since that yellow robot BB had an orgasm charging himself in that film that shall not be named.

Oh, but wait, her fingers can turn into pointy sharp stick nail knives, whereas the T-1000 can turn his arms into swords. Such a step up, Skynet. Speaking of Skynet, they're fucking retarded in this movie. They send the T-X to kill not John, but Kate, because she's his future wife and general in the war. Not only that, but they sent her to a time when John couldn't be located. Skynet is fucking amateur. And THIS is the film you people think is better than Salation. Wow. Fuck you all. Unbelievable. "Oh, well, this movie had Arnie in it, you dumb fuck! And it's rated R! PG-13 can suck it!" No. Arnie couldn't save T3. An R rating does not make your film any better (have you seen Die Hard 4 and 5 lately?).

The comedy in this film is just...do I even need to comment on how stupid and out-of-place it is? "There was comedy relief in Terminator 2, you stupid shit-sack!" Excuse me, that wasn't comedy in T2. That was humor. There's a difference. Look it the fuck up on Google. Arnie wearing the pink Elton John glasses made me cringe, and him telling that store clerk to talk to the hand...it was just utterly idiotic, so much so the point of being unbearable. It's just sad to see him embarrass himself like this. When Schwarzenegger does comedy so lame you want to punch him in the face, THERE IS AN ISSUE.

On the plus side, we do get a bad-ass action sequence involving Arnie hanging on to a crane smashing into tons of cars and buildings. That scene was very well-done and well-made. However, after that, this film still goes downhill. Downhill on a fucking bike with no brakes. Then, this happens: the T-850, Kate, and John find a casket. The casket turns out to have Sarah Connor's name on it. Yep, Sarah Connor has been killed off in-between T2 and T3 off-screen with leukemia. I wanted to break my TV with a sledgehammer. That was just insulting. You kill off one of the most beloved female characters in film history off-screen with leukemia? FUCK YOU AND DIE. Trying to keep up, people. Trying to keep up.

Okay, let's just wrap this up before I pull a gun on myself. John and Kate shoot some robot baddies at Skynet, Arnie kills the T-X and tells John they'll meet again (14 years later for a few seconds), and what do you know it, Judgment Day actually happens, and I don't give a fuck. Bad story, bad action, bad characters, bad villain, bad comedy, bad sequel, bad movie. GOD, WHY DO PEOPLE ACTUALLY LIKE THIS FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT MOVIE? AAAAARRGH!!!!!

FINAL SCORE: 2/10.

2 because of decent effects, the crane sequence, good music, decent editing, good production design, and okay cinematography. Other than that, this film was the textbook definition of weak. Weak to the fucking max. What pisses me off more than anything is the fact that James Cameron himself liked this movie. Well, then again, he liked the first AVP film, so why should I be surprised? The script is piss-poor, the action isn't memorable, the story is retarded, the direction is badly handled, and the characters aren't fucking interesting. Rant done and over with. Fuck this movie. Fuck it with a cherry on top.