Review of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014) by Ben K — 27 Aug 2015

I can see how this film came together. A bunch of writers got together in a room and decided to take an IP like the Ninja Turtles, which is already very silly and essentially makes no sense at all, and take it to the next level of stupidity, while at the same time stripping out all of the fun and humor from the source material and replacing it with hulking-rage-filled-turtle-shaped monsters, that play supporting characters in a film about the world's most incompetent news reporter: April O'Neil played by acting sensation Megan Fox. That's right. Make no mistake. The protagonist, the main character, our hero, the person we spend the majority of our time with is April O'Neal.

The Turtles don't show up for 20 MINUTES. All I can think of is what this movie must be like for an 8 year old kid seeing this. I think after the first 10 minutes you'd just assume this was just a lame movie about Megan Fox struggling to find her way in the cut throat world of local news, like that Rachel McAdams movie Morning Glory only with Megan Fox and stupid. After that there's a boring speech given by William Fichtner to a bunch of people that makes no sense, and then every child's favorite ... a scene completely in Japanese that requires reading english subtitles! It's amazing. They've literally made a film that's too boring and dark for kids, but too stupid for adults.

There's no joy here at all. It's just another BS gritty re-boot that rips off the visual tone of Nolan's Dark Knight trilogy, while lacking any of the emotion or depth those films possessed. If you're looking for a fun action adventure that actually works for children, you're better off with The Incredibles or The Lego Movie. If you're looking for a great action film in general, you're better off with John Wick or The Raid. Bottom Line: WE ALL DESERVE BETTER THAN THIS.