Review of Superman Returns (2006) by David V — 13 Feb 2013

Goddamn this movie was boring. Brandon Routh as Clark Kent/Superman looked like he was fucking 20 and wasn't given any dialogue. He does still manage play Clark Kent and Superman differently, but mainly only in mannerisms. He hardly said anything throughout this snorefest and always had this glazed look in his eye. He says "swell" once as Kent which is really just a gag stolen from '78. In fact, all of the best elements from this movie are simply taken from the first Superman film from '78, and what it adds is a questionable premise of Superman abandoning Earth to find Krypton without providing anyone a reason and the questionable subplot of Superman having a bastard son.

Lex Luthor and Perry White return in similar fashions to Superman, bland and unoriginal. For some reason, Parker Posey plays Miss Tesmaucher as Luthor's main squeeze, Kitty. Otis isn't in the film, replaced by a gang of mute henchmen that includes Kal Penn.

However, the weakest return is undoubtedly Lois Lane. Kate Bosworth plays her like she's got sand in her vagina the entire movie. She acts like a lesbian economist, but, like Routh, looks 20. These kids are supposed to be professional reporters for chrissake and they barely look out of their teens. Lois is now in a serious relationship with James Marsden. Marsden is as dull and uninteresting as the rest of them and is only there to provide us with a shitty love triangle. It's shitty because none of these actors have any chemistry, all of their conversations feel like uncomfortable interviews.

Superman himself sulks, stalks Lois, and gets his ass kicked, but not once does he ever fight a villain. He gets close, but never ends up throwing a single punch.

The climax of the film is just a weak rehash of the climax in the first one. This time Lex threatens to wipe out entire continents starting with America to replace them with his own continent, New Krypton, which will be created in their place using Kryptonian crystals he stole from the fortress of solitude. He will then make a killing by selling this post-apacolyptic crystalloid land to people who will want to live on it (no one). Not only is this new but not improved plan over-the-top, but it doesn't even make sense. Then to top it off, Superman ends up lifting the continent, which is partially composed of Kryptonite, into space.