Review of Super Mario Bros. (1993) by Daniel B — 15 Nov 2010

This review will be a blow-by-blow breakdown as my associate and I watch this movie for the first time in about ten years.

The intro to this movie is just tits. *thick brooklyn accent* "There were dinosaurs! And then a meteor. It made a parallel universe. That's the premise of this movie. Ok? Goddit? Capisce? Ok. Start the movie." Also, dinosaurs were talking in a Brooklyn accent. That's just great. I don't even know where the hell to start explaining, but it was just the best intro *ever.*.

Dinosaur bones! In Brooklyn! Fantastic. In the dig site scene, it becomes very apparent that the acting is *awful.* I'm just pointing that out.

Then we see a couple of goons sniffing hot dogs. It's obvious they aren't from real Earth, because they throw away the best part of the hot dog. The bun. I also really enjoy how Daisy is dressed like an Egyptologist except in the middle of Brooklyn. Cuz all archaeological and paleontological digs are in the desert. Even in Brooklyn.

Alliterative headlines! I don't even have a followup.

IRIDIUM! Real life science! It means - yes, well, yes, it means a meteor hit there. Because Brooklyn is Mexico in the Super Mario Bros. universe, and this handily explains why (see above) there is a desert there. (As an addendum, after re-reading what I have written so far, this movie is beginning to make perfect sense.).

We stopped paying attention for a few minutes, and when we came back, there seemed to be veiled sexual references going on, and then from the screaming, some kind of date rape. Then Luigi and Daisy are running toward a bunch of lights or something? Wait, where's Princess Peach?

"It's almost as if it was a monster, trying to be a human being." What. Kind of nonsense. Is that. Evolution FTW.

It is made quite apparent after our intrepid duo travel to the other universe to rescue Daisy, that it is a horrible, inhuman place, where criminals routinely accost egg-babies for no apparent reason, and noone responds to repeated pleas for help as a young woman is bodily dragged around.

This De-evolution Chamber is much more than it appears to be, as when Toad is put through it, not only is his body made huge, and his head tiny, but his clothes are also made huge, and turned into other clothes.

"Koopa thinks you are the only one who can merge the universes." At this point, it strikes me - why don't they all just go over there (here) through the hole in the rock? This movie is beginning to make less than perfect sense.

And then a bunch of people change sides, and then a bunch of unlikely and confusing shit happens, and then - fade to black, roll credits.

This movie was good, which was surprising, since those games all suck so much. I give it a B+.