Review of Stolen (2012) by The Movie W — 08 Oct 2012

Another day, another awful movie starring everyone's favorite one-time actor, Crazy Nic Cage. This time he's teamed up with his old mate, director West, the man responsible for the ridiculous but fun "Con Air". That was back in '97 though and since then the careers of both men have sunk to levels usually only mined by former child stars. A glance at Cage's recent filmography makes you wonder how exactly he can still get work. If an athlete was on such a poor run of form they'd have retired from the game long ago. It seems things are so bad Cage is being asked to provide his own clothes, I'm sure he's being wearing that leather jacket since "Gone in 60 Seconds".

You wouldn't think it possible that an actor could out-crazy Cage but somehow Lucas does. His villain is genuinely bizarre, his Dr John N'Awlins speak and artificial leg making him seem like a cajun Long John Silver. I'm hoping his bewildering dialogue is improvised as I'd hate to think it was ever put down on paper by a writer. Cage is actually quite calm throughout which is no fun at all. We only watch a Cage movie for one reason now and that's to see him lose it. Huston is a terrific actor and tries his best to be dignified but in a Nic Cage movie nobody's reputation gets out in one piece. Gayle, who was so good in "Detachment", spends most of her time in a taxi trunk, probably the best place for an actor to be in a movie as bad as this.

West is one of those directors whose idea of telling a story is to "shoot the shit out of it and fix it in the editing". His staging of action is bewildering, displaying an uncanny knack of placing his camera in the worst place possible while cutting in a way that at times makes it seem as though cars are chasing themselves. On top of this we get a horrifically inappropriate score by the usually reliable Mark Isham. It sounds like he was commisioned to write the theme tune for a bad eighties "MacGuyver" rip-off and knocked it up in a day with a cheap synth. Add the poor quality digital photography and the film takes on the feel of an episode of "Street Hawk".

"There must be some reason to watch this turkey", you may think. Well, if you've always wanted to hear Cage speak Swedish your wish has been granted.