Review of Star Wars: The Last Jedi (2017) by Eric P — 12 Feb 2018

First off, I am not a "bot" and I am not part of some rouge plot by one deranged Star Wars fan to take down this picture using some type of cyber attack. The @Disney PR machine is trying to spin all of the negative backlash to portray it as either unreal, part of some bizarre conspiracy, or as actually a good thing. Movie goers of the world, heed my warning: Do not believe this nonsense! They are in panic cover-up mode, as well they should be.

Real people - especially lifelong fans of the franchise -- are outraged because this film is awful. Like runny poop that keeps coming and keeps you in the bathroom all day awful. Make the mistake of seeing it and you will know I speak the truth. Upon seeing it opening night, I was aggravated and saddened. My wife was simply bored out of her tree. Our 14-year-old son (raised on Star Wars) walked out of the movie, and his first unprompted words were, "I didn't like it.".

@Disney and @Lucasfilm, if you are reading these reviews (and as a marketing professional, I can tell you that you should be)...PLEASE, PLEASE, save this franchise! Do not let Johnson or Kennedy NEAR another Star Wars movie. What they produced equates to Criminal Cinematic Malpractice. It exhibits not only a wholly tone deaf interpretation of a virtually sacred brand that is cherished by hundreds of millions of people, but quite simply a thorough lack of basic, rudimentary storytelling ability. I wouldn't let them "direct" traffic!

I do not know even where to begin on specific critique. Let's start with all of the ill timed, poorly written and executed humor...Poe's prank call in the opening scene that went WAY too long to be funny, Luke chucking his lightsaber over his shoulder, Luke interrupting Rey to say "yeah that is basically nowhere" which totally broke the scene, Luke referring to a "laser sword" (ala Episode I), the cringe-worthy "can you put a shirt on" moment during the kids' late night "force texting", Yoda's weird look as a semi-solid force ghost and incoherent jabber...etc, etc. Look, Star Wars humor has always been a bit campy and cute, but Last Jedi has it all at the wrong time when it detracts from the scene. BAD execution. Just a total freaking dumpster fire.

How about poor use of characters and storylines? Snoke? He Dead. Phasma? She Dead. Akbar? Boom...he Dead. Luke? Him too, only not in the heroic way that could have been breathtaking, but in a completely unsatisfying way. How about those mysterious Knights of Ren? Well, we don't know because they were simply disregarded. How about Maz Kanata? She was used for cheap humor via some sort of intergalactic Skype call. Rey's parents? Nothing special - just a pair of drunks. How that ties in to the astonishing force vision she had (featuring Kenobi's voice and Luke's point of view) when she first touched Luke's lightsaber in Force Awakens, we may never know. Such a waste.

Plot holes? Well, you've read this far, so how much time do you have?

Like when did Star Wars ships suddenly run out of freaking GAS? Like you now need gas now to fly through hyperspace? Are you telling me the Death Star had to pull up to some massive interplanetary Circle K to fuel up on its way to destroy Yavin in A New Hope? (Did the Stormtroopers beg Vader to run inside to use the bathroom and buy candy bars?) And what about the slow speed cruiser chase that lasted for the whole excruciatingly long film? Like the First Order couldn't have just radioed another Star Destroyer to get out in front and cut the Resistance ships off (like in a 1970's TV police drama)? How about the whole side trip to the casino planet that looked like it was from a TOTALLY different movie? You remember, if you weren't asleep by then...the plot line that literally did not contribute to the story at all AND was ultimately rendered invalid and meaningless? Luke, the guy who risked everything on the possibility that there was still good in his father now tries to kill young Ben - the child of this sister and best friend whom he has known since birth - in his sleep? Really? And how exactly do bombs fall in space without gravity? And what kind of plot problems do we have now that hyperspace is weaponized And...and...ugghh...did anyone actually read this script????

How about outlandish "jump the shark" moments? Number One has to be Luke milking the breast of some sort of giraffe/sea lion hybrid for green milk...possibly the most cringe-worthy moment in all of Star Wars history (yes, including anything with Jar Jar). Leia flying through space like some sort of force-driven Mary Poppins? Like you KNOW that you die instantly in space, right guys? It's well below freezing and there is no pressure. Your body expands, possibly ruptures, then you freeze solid in a matter of seconds. Even if that were not the case, the whole scene was just embarrassingly painful to watch. Let me put it this way -- when Luke's force projection showed up with darker hair and then took all of the blaster fire from the walkers, everything had been so stupid up to that point that I just assumed it was meant to be real and just more really bad movie making. So insulting....just...meh...

OK, I'm getting carpel tunnel syndrome typing here, so just a couple more things...the politics. For heaven's sake guys, our whole country is totally divided right now. I go to the theater and pay my 10 bucks for two hours of ESCAPE -- not to have one side of the political agenda shoved down my throat. War profiteering is bad...Agreed. Animal cruelty is bad...Agreed. Enslaving children is bad...Agreed. I don't know when any of these became divisive issues!

Strap in...(or "strap on") now women are now the only smart, strong people in the galaxy. All men are stupid and need to be put in their place - especially caucasian men, who are relegated to being the hapless bad guys. Like it or not @Disney, Star Wars is a 70-80% a male driven brand. You bought it, and you should have known that coming in. Star Wars fans have always loved strong females -- Leia was a sassy, smart, powerful, respectable leader back in the day and we LOVED her...I even had Leia action figures in my collection as a kid. But force feeding us this artificial construct of amazon bitches and sissy boys is just NOT going to sell. Boys are simply wired to want to blow things up, fight with swords and go fast -- some girls are too, but they are the exception, sorry.

Moving on....In the Star Wars universe, there are no good and evil anymore...everyone - ESPECIALLY YOUR HEROES - are broken and evil in some way, and probably are nearly as immoral as the so called "bad guys." You see kids, everyone else is at least partially bad, and that is the KEY to our new religion which will replace the force: moral relativism. Along those same lines, being strong with the force is no longer a special talent or ability...like anyone can do it. And to pull from Disney's Incredibles - when you say that "everyone is special" it's just another way of saying that NOBODY is.

Now I'm all for silly jokes, characters we wish we knew more about, shaky plot lines, strong female leads and diverse casting....I LOVE Rouge One. It was a fantastic Star Wars movie AND a fantastic, entertaining film, FULL STOP. Did it meet all of my expectations or evolve the way I wanted at every turn? No. A few holes? Absolutely. But it was great storytelling. Exciting, fun well paced, and without the need to force social justice down the throats of all in attendance.

PLEASE @Disney...PLEASE save this with Solo A Star Wars Story and Episode IX. And PLEASE do not let that hack job "writer" and "director" Rian Johnson near Star Wars again. Same for the agenda-driven Kathleen Kennedy. They do NOT get it folks. If you do not listen to the hundreds of thousands of warnings you are hearing, they will RUIN a multi billion dollar investment. All the 40 something's offended by this steaming load of Bantha crap are the ones with all of the disposable income - we don't control just one ticket at the box office - we control 3, 4, 5 or more -- ours and our kids'. And the toy dollars. And the theme park dollars. And the apparel dollars. Plus DVD, BluRay, Digital Download dollars. And the other merchandise....etc.

Look, @Disney I'll direct the next SW film for free. I'll even help you recut Episode VIII to make it palatable. Call me, let's talk. Just PLEASE save the Star Wars universe. We all want to love it again so much.

If you are considering going to see this movie, and you have never seen Star Wars and don't care about the history, you might enjoy it, but will find it long and confusing. If you love Star Wars, save yourself the trauma and just sit on the couch, pop some popcorn and watch Empire Strikes back.

...or shove bamboo sprinters under your fingernails...

...or break your teeth off with pliers one at a time...

...or mutilate your own genitals with kitchen utensils...

...either way, you'll be much happier, and 10 dollars richer.