Review of Star Wars: The Last Jedi (2017) by Quaff D — 27 Jan 2018

(Edit: moving from 1/2 star and re-writing my post, as I've had more time to think).

STAR WARS.

Episode VIII:

(FAN)GIRLS.

Adam Driver is already here, all this movie needed was Lena Dunham and it would have been a fucking masterpiece.

In reality, THE LAST JEDI is a lab experiment that Disney thrust on the American public (and the world at large).

They know the one way to get the rats into the laboratory is via a new STAR WARS movie, especially when Force Awakens (although not a great movie) teed up TLJ so brilliantly.

Then there was the year-long marketing push by Disney: "THE LAST JEDI: ANSWERS REVEALED!".

Followed by bullying the theaters to carry the movie for four weeks or face "repercussions".

And then they clearly and obviously paid off or strong-armed the critics (who are undoubtedly in on the scam).

The public was frothing at the mouth in a frenzy (myself included). 90% of the hype created by Disney, itself. All we wanted was to escape back into the STAR WARS mythos for a couple of hours. Taste that magic again. Hundreds of millions of people in straightjackets glued to our chairs ready and willing to accept (just about) anything STAR WARS.

And then they injected us with their new serum: THE LAST JEDI.

THAT is the true story of this abominable movie (which had no story itself). The audience. The STAR WARS generation.

EXPERIMENTATION - LEVEL 1.

Demolish the old. The past doesn't matter. The previous Trilogies were pockmarked with bigoted, idiot curmudgeons who held everyone down. They are evil. They have no honor. You should feel ashamed for even liking those movies.

EXPERIMENTATION - LEVEL 2.

THE MILLENNIAL MASTER - this is the new direction Disney is taking THE FORCE. Grey Snowflakes. Everyone gets a trophy. Everyone gets a job. Everyone is a master of THE FORCE. No training. No hard work. Nothing. I want that fucking bag of Skittles across the cafeteria in that kid's hand. BAM! Now it's in my fucking hand, bitch! I can't wait to see Rey train the first generation of Grey Snowfla- (errr, I mean Millennial Masters). "I've gathered you all here for this momentous occasion. Your first lesson will be..... hmmm.... your first lesson will be... Congratulations! You are all Millennial Masters!!!".

EXPERIMENTATION - LEVEL 3.

Think like us. We know better. We're Disney. You can trust us. I know you didn't ask for them, but here are our core beliefs. White men are evil, or complete fools, usually both. Non-white people are good. But non-white males are idiots. Women know all, and should lead in peacetime and war, and men should be put down. The wealthy are evil. Capitalism is evil (from Disney! Hah hah) Eating meat is evil. Domesticating animals is evil (but child slavery, ehhh, that's OK.) There IS no good and evil!!! (talk about contradicting oneself!) The First Order isn't really bad, actually. Are they any worse than the Resistance? Compared to the EVIL military industrial complex, The First Order hardly rates at all. Kylo Ren is misunderstood (and kinda cute!). He might even agree to go out with you if you are nice to him. Bad boys are so sexy when they are abusive. In short, we are not fighting for freedom from the First Order, we are fighting to overtake the audience's freedom of thought. This isn't a movie, really. We're here to tell you what to think and how to live your lives.

EXPERIMENTATION - LEVEL 4.

We're coming for your children.

(Here's your fucking Snowflake decoder ring, Timmy. Now you're a MILLENNIAL MASTER! Buy more toys! [pushes him away by the face]).

This is their master experiment.

But they failed.

They fucking FAILED! Their hubris ruined their plan. It is so in-your-face, STAR WARS fans couldn't help but recoil from the snake that is The Last Jedi. The movie was an affront to our whole identity as lifetime fans.

The vast majority of the STAR WARS faithful woke up from the trance, ripped the toxic IV out of their arms, and said NO FUCKING WAY! Get out of our fucking heads! Our fucking lives! You have no right.

You destroyed STAR WARS! You fucking assholes.

You hear Last Jedi apologists continually talk about the main protagonists continually "FAILING", and how this is somehow so "innovative", when in fact it's a total cop-out and a bullshit lie.

Let me see... wasn't THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK all about failure, head to toe? Why, yes, come to think of it, it was.

But the DIFFERENCE between the two movies is that the characters in ESB weren't INEPT.

They didn't lose their honor.

Their actions didn't make them unlikeable.

The were fulfilling the heroes journey, and failure (with honor) is an integral part of it.

The apologists aren't completely wrong about LAST JEDI, though. In a way, it is completely about FAILURE in a (sort of) innovative way. Failure in leadership. Failure while being emasculated, inept, dishonorable. Failure to tell a coherent, compelling story. Failure to develop compelling characters, failure of plot, failure of continuity, failure of tone, failure of execution, failure of message. Failure on its own, failure as part 8 of a 9 part saga, failure as a STAR WARS movie.

Congratulations apologists! THE LAST JEDI is all about failure. It is a PURE, DISTILLED, CRYSTALLINE, ELEMENTAL, SYNTHESIZED, UNMATCHED, UTTER FUCKING FAILURE.

It FAILS.

Ryan Johnson is like a six year old trying to copy THE MONA LISA (ESB) using broken crayons, and then Disney is selling it to the public as THE MONA LISA.

Rian Johnson, check it out.

George Lucas: Ewoks, Jake Lloyd, Jar Jar. Look retarded, act retarded...

OK. Retarded.

You know JJ Abrams, 'Force Awakens.'? Rehash of New Hope, yes. Another Death Star, yes. Retarded, maybe. But he set up Last Jedi on a silver platter. Threw you a greasy meatball for an easy Grand Slam.

That ain't retarded.

RE-WATCH YOUR MOVIE, YOU MORON.

You went FULL retard, man!

You NEVER go FULL retard!

"Let go of the past. Kill it, if you have to.".

Mission accomplished.

STAR WARS fans won't be fooled again.