Review of Star Wars: The Last Jedi (2017) by Tommy A — 11 Jan 2018

SPOILER ALERT! To continue the ridiculous character arcs from The Last Jedi, here are my expectations for Disney's, Star Wars Episode 9:

1. Low on food and supplies, the 9 remaining Rebels flee to Ahch-To to milk sea cows and catch Porgs for nourishment.

2. Luke, who DIDN'T really disappear into the Force (his mechanical hand didn't drop onto the meditation stone, did it!?), but rather created a Force Teleport, returns to Tatooine to live in Kenobi's old home. Luke disconnects from the Force for the last time and begins scaring Sandpeople away from lost droids who venture off into the wilderness.

3. Princess Leia, stricken with grief from the loss of Han and now her brother (or so she thinks), dies from a broken heart!!! However, we only get to READ about this in the title crawl for Episode 9! :'(.

4. Kylo Ren, decides he can't live without Rey (Rey-LO!!!) since his Force Touch experience with her, throws Admiral Hux against a wall (again, again, again, again...) and deserts the First Order to search for Rey.

5. Admiral Hux, whose face has been badly scared and injured from Kylo's repeated attacks, creates a mask to hide his face, and takes over as the new Supreme Leader. His first major decision is to change the name from the First Order to the Best Order.

6. Finn, after trying to sacrifice his life to save the Resistance and finally bringing "meaning" to his life (his defining moment ruined when Rose crashes her pod into his), struggles with depression which makes him flee the Rebels via a "secret" escape pod on the Millennium Falcon (even Han and Chewy didn't know existed) and returns to the First Order, only to complete his stormtrooper training, and becomes the new Captain Phasma.

7. Rose, finally fixes the hyperdrive on the Falcon after all these years!

8. Chewbecca, rotisseries all the Porgs inside the Millennium Falcon and falls in love with Rose.

9. Rey, returns to Jakku to read the mind of Unkar Platt, and begins her journey in search for her drunk parents' grave.

10. Poe Dameron keeps blowing things up!

11. Admiral Ackbar, who doesn't breathe oxygen, realizes he TOO can use the Force, contacts Princess Leia to come and pick him up on their way to Ach-To.

12. The young force sensitive boy on Canto, leads a rebellion with more force sensitive kids against their captors to fight for better hourly wages while working with the Fathiers! They also fight for more rest for the Fathiers, so the animals don't have to run BACK-To-BACK races after returning from recent planet voyages.

13. The "old"Captain Phasma is DEAD for GOOD, so we don't have to see any more lame fights!

14. Supreme Leader Snoke, isn't really dead! He was just using a really good puppet and will return for Episode 9 to reclaim his Empire!

15. DJ, after becoming a multi-millionaire from turning Finn and Rose over to the First Order, returns to Canto Bight to begin building a better, and I mean a BETTER, and BIGGEST, and I mean really BIG, new Death Star to bring peace and happiness to the Galaxy!