Review of Star Wars: The Last Jedi (2017) by Chris A — 23 Dec 2017

Obviously written and directed by a non star wars fan, instructed by his evil overlords to throw out the old and usher in the new ASAP. There have been enough rants on here so get ready for another one!

Just like Daisy Ridley's ass in hobo desert junker pants, the movie looks fantastic. However, once you look past the pretty explosions and the awesome sets you start to see obnoxiously strong themes appearing that have no place in your Star Wars experience. Themes like the story pushes every female to the front of the justice and hero brigade at the expense of every one of their male counterparts and common sense. All these pushes where not done in the "wow amazing hero" way but in the ultra-cringy "WTF were they thinking" sort of way. Example: Laura Dern's character caused a mutiny all because she was too much of a stuck up c**t to spend the 20 seconds it would take to say what the plan was all along to pilot boy Po Damaron because boy pilot = topgun maverick hotshot. And she doesn't like flyboys because, you know shes in a rebel alliance that revolves around pilots and hotshots. DUHHHHHH The only way he could have been more of an asset is if the DANGER ZONE played on casset tape while he took on all the bad guys by himself.

I cant help but feel PETA had a meddling hand in this movies too. The stupid giant race dog/horse things where cute and all but all I could think of is if I were chinese I would have smashed one for lunch, not wasted precious mission time rescuing them. As a matter of a fact : fuck them! And fuck that little future jedi kid too! Clean the fucking stable you little shitty cunt!

Speaking of shitty cunts,The acting in this movie is incredible, Adam Driver has made his character truly 3 dimensional instead of the 1-D sooky mong Kilo Ren could have easily been. Some of the scenes with him and General Hux are seriously fun to watch. Laura Dern's character was pretty fucking annoying, ergo top acting. Bennicio Deltoro has an aura of "is he going to murder me in my sleep?" while playing a genius traitor hobo in a pointlessly horrific plotline that went on for an hour too long that could have been avoided in the aforementioned 20 second plan sharing.

Ray is gods gift to a lightsaber and the force with no training, she's pretty hot so yeah whatever....

I could go on forever but all the movies plot holes, stupid plot lines, pointless characters, social justice warrior interference pales into insignificance when you see how Luke Skywalker was treated, Disney honchos must have got absolutely smashed off their faces on cocaine and had one massive bukkaki party all over poor Mark Hammil at every one of their boardroom meetings. The poor guy must be torn inside out and still smells like puke.

Truly criminal ...this is the biggest waste of talent AND fictional character in cinema history. Not even exaggerating. Mark Hamill was AMAZINGLY good as Luke as usual. We all waited 30 years for the baddest Jedi to ever live and they turned him into whiney old snivelling sooky lala who cares about nothing, has learned nothing, doesn't even touch the controls of his x-wing or hold his lightsabre like the true legend he is. He has no interest in Daisy Ridley's Ray character (apparently a naturally skilled nobody even more powerful in the force than Luke) and just wants to be left alone... then why the fuck did he make a secret map to find him then? You know; 90% of what the last movie was about??

Luke Skywalker was treated like utter trash, used a force hologram trick to buy the good guys 2-3 extra minutes to escape... lame bro. Luke shows up, faces down several AT-AT's gets blasted like there is no tomorrow and walks out of the dust cloud unscathed. Has small fight with Kilo Ren who quickly discovers he's not even really there. Just as blood started rushing to my boner for the first time in the entire movie you Lauraina Bobbet me hard and chopped my cock right off. The he has a minor coronary from too many haemorrhoids from sitting on cold rocks for 30 years then dies. Sweet. Yeah vanishing into the force while looking into twin setting suns was cool as fuck but about 4 movies too soon you lame pretenders to the star wars crown.

Picture this instead:

The bad guys are smashing the good guys harder than the boardroom smashed Mark Hammil. Luke flies in with his busted ass x-wing and whoops ass big time. Xwing gets shot down and luke goes ball deep deflecting AT-AT fire, throws his light sabre with the force and cuts em all down. giant canon smashes into luke, luke throws up a force shield but the cannon is wearing him down; oh no! who's gonna help us now?? Cut to mother fucking Lando Calrision helping out like the good old days, sitting in his mining mansion, hears about Han, his brutha from another mutha, comes to help guns blazing in his bling mobile with spinning gold plated dollar rims. Ok the end part sounds a bit like garbage but it still would have been better than what they came with.

It really feels like JJ Abrams made a beautiful Star Wars sand castle on the beach where everyone is getting along and having a great time in the sun then Kathleen Kennedy come along with Rian Johnson eager to impress knocks down the castle and pisses on it. He then remoulds it into a few mounds with some shells stuck on it so he can call it amazing and original! Instantly its a knife fight on the beach because 1)Hey your ruined it you asshat! or 2)Meh its the change we needed. What side of the line in the sand are you on?