Review of Star Wars: The Last Jedi (2017) by Rick E — 22 Jan 2018

Rian Johnson has succeeded in one major respect . .. He has succeeded in making The Phantom Menace and Attack of Clones look like Citizen Kane in comparison to The Last Jedi. There is simply no excuse for what he has done to this franchise. Clearly the man hates Star Wars. Did Star Wars do something to Rian Johnson to deserve this treatment? Did it laugh at him during gym class at film school? Did it ditch him at senior prom and spend the rest of the evening dancing with Kevin Smith? There must be some rationale behind this epic crap-fest of a movie.

It's as though Rian Johnson had tawdry, unprotected movie sex with several Michael Bay movies, primarily Transformers, and was infected with cinematic herpes which he has now passed onto my beloved Star Wars. Sadly, there's no amount of cinematic Valtrex to stop the constant burning and irritation I feel from this movie. It's made me begin to question the existence of a benevolent deity, for why would a merciful God allow the total destruction of a franchise by allowing Rian Johnson anywhere near Star Wars?

I know this film has caused a major rift among Star Wars fans. Some of the reviews on this website laud it as the greatest Star Wars movie ever. I want to reach out to these good folks, and let them know that there are good, capable and caring optometrists out there who can treat the sever vision problems that, based on their glowing reviews, clearly afflict them. I would also reach out to Kathleen Kennedy and plead with her, to give Rian Johnson something to do other than being involved with the Star Wars franchise. I'm sure he would be a brilliant foot rest for her, or maybe hand out clean towels in Lucasfilm restrooms. If he must write and direct, let Disney acquire the rights to Gigli and do a reboot of THAT movie. Bottom line, there's plenty of things he can do other than continue to destroy the Star Wars universe. I'm betting North Korea needs a terrible writer/director of his caliber.