Review of Star Wars: The Last Jedi (2017) by Jonoftheshred — 24 Dec 2017

What a complete mess. Not just the movie, the reactions as well. Are journalists being paid to defend it vehemently, criticizing anyone who dares speak out against the bland, boring plot or forced characters? I don't even know where to begin in expressing my dislike of this film.

I found The Force Awakens underwhelming. And the prequels were never fan favorites. But The Last Jedi was so frustratingly terrible, all four of those films look pretty damn good in retrospect. I'll cliff some of the ridiculous aspects of this movie.

*** SPOILERS ***.

- Rather than giving Poe character development, he was used as some ham-fisted caricature of "toxic masculinity" as the buzzword regurgitating misandrist psychos like to say.

- General Tumblr with the purple hair had to be the most useless character in the entire franchise. Worse than Jar Jar, worse than Rose. She was just there to patronize Poe a half dozen times. Then she gets this big heroic death? That moment should have been given to Leia or Admiral Ackbar. Hell, where's Mon Mothma? The moment was one of the few cool things in the movie, wasted on this terrible character.

- Speaking of General Tumblr, why doesn't she just tell Poe what the plan is? Oh right, they needed a plot thread to bash "toxic masculinity" over the head. They needed to show Poe "mansplaining" her over and over again to drive home how terrible males are. I usually laugh when people say movies are SJW propaganda, this time...I'm not laughing.

- Princess Leia floating through space was terrible. Absolutely abysmal.

- Luke Skywalker was given the worst treatment. - Rian did all these "double twists" to shock the audience, but really it just seemed extremely lazy. A sort of combination of the M-Night Shaymalalianlyn twist, meets a horror movie jump scare. For example....

(1) Oh no, Leia is dead! GOTCHA! She's gonna float back into the ship through space!

(2) Oh wow, Kylo just took out Snoke and is going to join Rey! GOTCHA, he was just taking over the First Order!

(3) Holy **** Luke Skywalker finally came out of retirement! GOTCHA, he was a hologram, he survives! GOTCHA AGAIN, he actually doesn't survive, he dies because he used up his force powers!

(4) Oh no, they couldn't find the code hacker! Now they're in jail! GOTCHA, a stuttering Benecio Del Toro is their cellmate and just happens to be a hacker that will help them out! GOTCHA AGAIN, he's gonna betray them for the First Order!

(5) So Finn and Rose are gonna die, apparently? GOTCHA, Finn is gonna fight off Phasma again with three swipes of a sword and kick her into a pit.

(6) Rey and Luke's big moment from Force Awakens is finally here! GOTCHA, it isn't big, it's comedic relief. Luke hucks the "laser sword" away like a syphilis ridden ****.

I could go on and on, but I've made my point. The double twist didn't "Subvert expectations," it felt forced every single time. Every "rug pulling" moment was supposed to be this big revelation. I can imagine Rian standing with a beaming smile, arms crossed as each double twist unfolds. But really, the result isn't some shocking revelation, it's like someone runs up and gives you a wet willy, or a wedgie, or points on your right shoulder than slinks off to the left. Only to spit in your face when you turn around.

That's another thing, this movie has "Nolan Batman" syndrome in that it characters FRANKLY EXPRESS THEIR MOTIVATIONS AND EMOTIONS. You ever hear of "Show, don't tell"? And it moves beyond just characters motivations, the Disney corporation even shoe-horned it's own agenda into the film, unsurprisingly through Dark Emo Jedi Kylo Ren. "KILL THE PAST. KILL THE PAST. THE PAST IS DEAD." Or, in other words, the verbal confirmation that this is, in fact, a giant double handed middle finger to fans of Star Wars.

KILL THE PAST! KILL THE PAST! How about kill the past 3 hours wasted in the cinema on this hokey, forced, bland series of double twists? If you really break the movie down, it's 4 scenes stretched way beyond their amusement. 1) Space battle / space chase.

2) Luke "training" Rey, and Rey face-timing Kylo.

3) Casino Heist.

4) Reverse Hoth (with salt instead of snow).

One last thing, why the **** does everyone keep saying "THIS IS SO UNLIKE STAR WARS!" The double twists really got your nips that hard? This is just as much a rehash as Force Awakens. It just borrowed moments from across all three OT films, rather than being A New Hope. For example, the throne room scene from ROTJ, Battle of Hoth from ESB with salt instead of snow, Rey training under a goofy acting exiled Jedi Master and eventually facing her psychological demons in a dark cave / tree when staring into her own face, "We got away too easy, they're tracking us" but it's THROUGH HYPERSPACE this time, guys, what a fresh innovation!

I'm usually lenient on films. "It wasn't that bad, guys!" But his was a failed remake, failed reboot, and failed sequel all in one. Nice hat trick.